But a year or two after they married, he killed himself. I didn't know Randy all that well, just from youth group events. I have no idea what might have been happening in his life at the time or what had happened up until that point. But I can't help wondering if he was in the throes of clinical depression and just couldn't take it anymore.
I experienced that in my freshman year of college, and that's been the worst experience of my life. I just felt bad all the time and as if there was no hope of ever feeling better, no happiness in my future. On many days, I simply hoped that my life would end so I could stop feeling so bad. I never put much thought into suicide, though, because as a Christian, I believed that I would go to hell if I killed myself.
In reading through a book of Q&A from Max Lucado called Max On Life, he had some interesting things to say about that. Here's part of his answer:
Let's be clear: suicide is the wrong choice. The date of our death is God's to choose, not ours. He gives life, and he takes it. When people orchestrate their own death, they make the wrong choice.
But is the mistake a spiritually fatal one? Do we despair of any hope of their eternal salvation? Are we left with the nightmarish conclusion that heaven holds no place for them?
By no means. For while suicide is the wrong choice, have not we all made wrong choices? And did Christ not come for people like us? Frame their lives rightly. Remember good decisions. Catalog blue-ribbon days. Jesus said, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28 NKJV). God does not measure a person by one decision, nor should we.
I appreciated his thoughts on this subject, and pondering it myself, it does make sense that God wouldn't choose this one sin as the unforgivable one, particularly as it is often driven by mental illness.
So how did I come out of my depression? Basically just by waiting it out and through the support of a friend of mine who was a greater encouragement to me than I think he ever knew. I didn't recognize what was happening to me, and if anyone else did, they didn't tell me. It wasn't until several years later, when I read a checklist of symptoms of clinical depression, that I realized what I had experienced and why it felt so hopeless.
I really wish someone had said "Maybe you should go see a doctor or the college health department." I know that my moods and attitude were evident to some of those around me, although not all. If you think that someone in your life might be going through depression, please talk to them about it. You may be surprised at how open they are to discussing it, and it might spur them on to get the help that they need to get through it.
So how do you know if you are depressed? Here are some of the symptoms:
- Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
- Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
- Insomnia or excessive sleeping
- Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
- Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
- Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
- Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
- Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
- Crying spells for no apparent reason
- Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
I went through a minor depression last year and finally went to a doctor. It turned out that I had very low levels of vitamin D, and she put me on a supplement that made a world of difference after just a few weeks. Sometimes it's as simple as that, sometimes it might take counseling or antidepressant medication or other interventions. But there's no shame in getting help for depression.
If you need help and you don't have insurance or aren't sure where to turn, you can check out the Mental Health Services locator on this web page:
http://store.samhsa.gov/mhlocator
Please don't feel like you have to go through it alone or just wait it out.
