...is not my problem. I'm always thinking "I should totally blog about that," but it's at a time when it's not convenient or possible for me to write a post. Sometimes I even compose a post in my head, but then I fear that the wonderful flow of words I had in my head won't come to me when it's time to actually type those words out. Or sometimes I *do* try to type them out, and the flow doesn't happen. But it seems like I need to write more often, even if this just serves as a way for me to keep kind of a record of my life, and see what I was going through, and think about how I've changed.
Life has been so busy for most of the last year, but I feel like we've finally gotten into the new normal groove. I've gotten to where I'm not only keeping up on regular housework again, I'm starting to really make some inroads in the trouble areas of clutter that have plagued us for far too long. It's so nice to go through the process of purging, giving things away, throwing out and recycling things we don't need. It makes me feel good to clear way things and free up more open space, and just make our house more pleasant, homey and usable. And it's encouraging to me that I've been able to tackle that again after months of feeling like I was just in survival mode, just figuring out what it means to live with autism and manage ADHD.
It's not that life doesn't feel overwhelming on occasion, but that's not how I'm feeling the vast majority of the time. Life is challenging, but we all have our challenges to handle. What's been amazing to me, too, is that I spent very little time wallowing in self-pity after I found out how widespread Ben's developmental delays were. For that, I totally give thanks to God, because if I had been told a few years ago what would be happening, I'm sure I'd expect myself to be angry and full of self-pity and sadness for months. Instead, God has given me the ability to enjoy Ben's small victories and his wonderfully joyful personality, and to be thankful for him, no matter the challenges.
I would say that the feeling has been harder to achieve with Rachel because of the combative nature of her ADHD, but after having been able to manage it through changing our parenting styles, cutting out red dye, altering her schedule and giving her a low dosage of medication to help her better able to control herself, we've been able to enjoy and appreciate her again and see more of the gifted, sensitive and creative girl that she is. Every day was a battle with her for far too long, and it became such an uphill battle that it was difficult to remember her positives because my mind was too filled with the negative. That's something I was warned about in a book I was reading ages ago, that parents of children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder tend to carry around negative mental images of their children because of the intensity and frequency of the defiance and how hard that is to take, so they have to consciously think about their good points and replace those negative mental images with positive ones. That's something I tried to start doing as soon as I read that, but it's become easier now that she's a more pleasant child to be around. I'm so grateful that we found a behavioral pediatrician with so much insight and wisdom. He has been tremendously helpful to us, and truly cares about Rachel succeeding and living up to the great potential she has.
I know, too, that God has used both of our children to help me to become a more patient person and someone who is less prone to anger, or at least less prone to pop off in anger, even if I'm upset. I still have plenty of rough edges, in those areas and others, but God really has been shaping me through them and I'm sure He'll continue to do so.
