The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Done

It's awful when you have to see your child in a hospital bed.  But it's worse when it was your own carelessness that put them there.

Thursday was a good day.  I was working on components for cupcakes that I was going to make for a family birthday party that would take place 2 days later.  I had lunch with James mid-day, then went home to get in some exercise and work on box tops for the kids' school before picking them up.  I went to get the kids and got a great report from the teacher who had subbed in for Ben's teacher, who had an unexpected absence that day.  We came home and were doing our normal post-school routine.

Then I got out Ben's new medication, prescribed to help treat aggression and hopefully help him attain better focus and some calmness so that he can make more progress in school and at home.  He's starting with a small dosage that requires splitting the tablets into fourths, something that's hard to do with a knife and those tablets, so I had bought a pill splitter that morning and had washed it and let it dry.

I started splitting up the tablets at the counter while Rachel and Ben were having snacks at the table  Then Ben asked for something and as I took it to him, I realized he had a poopy diaper.

Poopy diapers can't wait at our house.  Not only do they often get removed if we don't get to them quickly, they sometimes get smeared and can even be a source for snack material.  Gross, I know, but it's the reality of our lives with a child with autism.  Sometimes they're looking for sensory input when they do this, and sometimes it's the strong smell and texture that appeal to his need for the input.  The eating happens pretty infrequently these days but we still jump to it when we have a poopy diaper so as to keep him comfortable and keep messes from happening.

So I dropped everything and took him upstairs to change him.  As I followed him up the stairs, I thought "Should I put up the baby gate to block the kitchen?"  And then I thought "Nah, I'm sure it's fine," completing forgetting that there was medication out on the counter.  I got him changed and wrapped up his diaper in disposal bags, and as I threw it in the Diaper Champ, I hear my daughter call out "Mom, Ben grabbed a bottle and is running with it!  I don't know what he got!"

I still hadn't recalled that the medication was out on the counter (out of sight, out of mind) but went tearing down the stairs, anyway, because if Ben is running with something, it's usually something he knows he's not supposed to have, like a bottle of juice that he's about to open and dump on the floor.  I reached him seconds later and saw him with the prescription bottle, then I realized that he was chewing.  I tried to get my fingers into his mouth to get out any medicine that might still be in there, but he clamped down with the force of a moray eel.  Let me tell, the boy has STRONG jaws.

I knew I wouldn't be getting anything out of his mouth, so I ran to the kitchen to see how many pills were there.  Thankfully he had grabbed the bottle that only had a few pills left in it and not the pills and pill portions that were out on the counter for splitting.  I tallied what was remaining and what we'd given to him so far and counted 5 missing pills.  Then I got on the phone with the Poison Control Center, who advised me to get him to an ER, possibly by ambulance.

I called 911 and paramedics from our local fire station arrived in about 3 minutes.  One of them was a friend of ours from church, and it was immensely comforting to see a familiar face.  It also worked well for him to sit with Ben and take a look at him, because Ben felt more comfortable with him than with a stranger.  They were very kind and understanding and did some checking of him and of information about the medication, and didn't feel that Ben needed to be transported by ambulance.  They advised that I call the doctor who had prescribed the medication to see what she thought about a hospital visit, and she concurred that he should be taken in since that amount was a lot for his size.

Long story short, we got him to the ER at our local children's hospital, and they admitted him for overnight monitoring and observation.  He had a urine test (via catheter, poor guy), a blood test, regular checking of his vitals, a heart EKG and was given an anti-narcotic medication to see if that might get his other medication to "bind" to it and leave his body faster.  The medication caused his heart rate and blood pressure to be lower than normal, but not in a range that caused concern for the medical staff, thankfully.  It made him very sleepy, and he slept from around 5pm on Thursday until a little after 9am on Friday, with fitful wakings, then he dozed off and on until early afternoon.

We got him to rouse and go for a walk with us at about 1pm, and then he started eating and drinking and reviving some more.  The doctors were pleased with his progress and decided to discharge us a few hours later.  He was weepy for much of the rest of the late afternoon and went to bed early.  He didn't sleep for several more hours but seemed much more content to be in his darkened room by himself.  And then when he did fall asleep, he slept well until 9am this morning, Saturday.

Today he is back to his happy little self.  He's had a good appetite and he enjoyed a nice long bath, and then he's been grooving to his favorite music videos and watching Jack's Big Music Show.  He's been in a great mood, even doing the hand-flapping that he seems to do when he's feeling especially happy.

I've been filled with crushing guilt and self-judgment.  I can't believe I could so quickly forget that I had medication sitting out.  It was a stupid mistake to make, and we won't be getting out medication when Ben is home and awake anymore, except to take out a bottle to get his regular dosage, then put it away immediately.

Ben is a smart cookie, and he remembers things.  He has no awareness of danger and safety, which makes it really tough to stay one step ahead of him at times.  Sometimes we're racing to head him off or to get something from he that he shouldn't have, like a soda can.  Yes, even soda cans are dangers, which we found out after he put his thumb into the hole of one and got a cut that I couldn't get to stop bleeding.  Everything that fits into his mouth is a potential danger, because he's very oral and will put things right in there.  Favorites include marker pens, erasers and small lids of bottles.

It's hard to stay vigilant all the time, and the nighttime wakings of him and his sister do not help with that because we're always tired.  But having the medicine out in his presence in the first place was just plain dumb, and it's difficult to stop kicking myself over that.  I am thankful that he didn't take more of it or get into something that would have had long-lasting effects, caused permanent damage or been fatal.

I don't think of myself as a stupid person or a bad parent in a general sense, but I certainly feel like one after this.  It's so easy to be distracted, and it can be disastrous.

As a side note, I am so thankful for the "village" of people who have been there for us with our children.  I've appreciated all of those who pray for us, either in particular circumstances or on an ongoing basis.  I appreciate our friend Jen, who is a teacher at Rachel's school and has kept Rachel with her on several occasions when we've had an emergency and couldn't get back in time to pick her up from school.  My mom came and stayed with Rachel while I packed up things for James and Ben's overnight stay at the hospital and took them to him, and she got Rachel put to bed so that I could just come home and decompress and get to bed.  Rachel has been a champ throughout the last couple of days and we are grateful that she spotted Ben grabbing the bottle and quickly sounded the alarm.  She's had to learn to be more responsible and to give in more often than kids with typical siblings do.  And she's had to deal with having less of our attention, too, because Ben requires more of us.

We've been to the hospital before (onset of seizures, eating a portion of decorative glass from a friend's garden, and our daughter getting a massive cut on her forehead after running into someone at school) and I've posted about it on Facebook and asked for prayer.  I didn't do that this time because I was just mortified and ashamed.  But I felt like I needed to share our story so that people know that situations like this don't just happen to parents who are being neglectful.  And if this helps serve as a reminder to people to be careful with medications or to make sure that other dangers are out of reach, so much the better.