You Better T.H.I.N.K.

Tonight I was reminded of a sermon I heard 5 years ago, right after we moved to Washington.  It was at a church that we visited the first couple of weeks here.  It never clicked for me, although James really liked the preaching and service style and visited there on his own a few times when I was under the weather.

One of the sermons I heard there has stuck with me all this time.  In it, the pastor used an acronym to describe how to decide if we should say something.  And that acronym was T.H.I.N.K.

• Truthful - is what you have to say truthful?  That should be pretty straightforward.  But if you're not sure that what you're about to say is truthful, perhaps it's best to leave it unsaid.
• Helpful - is your comment or question going to be helpful to the person to whom you are going to say, or might it hinder them in some way or be unhelpful?
• Inspirational - will it bring inspiration to them in some form?
• Necessary - is it something that needs to be said, or might it be wise to keep the comment to yourself? Will it cause more harm than good in saying it?
• Kind - are your motives kind in saying it?

This isn't to say that you can never say something to a person that might hurt them; confronting an addict about their problem or a fellow follower of Jesus who's in obvious sin about their need for repentance is something that is a painful process but often necessary in order to truly help that person.  But there are many times when we open our mouths and insert our feet, or say something that is insulting or hurtful to someone, with no thought towards a beneficial end goal or without considering "Is there a better way to say this?  Am I correct in my assumptions or judgments about the situation?"

I admit that I need to live by this acronym more than I do currently, but there have been a few times when I've been stopped short in saying or writing something with the realization that it was not necessary or kind, or that it wouldn't be helpful for me to bring up ___________ to someone that was not ready to hear it.  There have also been times when I've been deeply wounded by words, sometimes said on purpose and sometimes said thoughtlessly.

So take a word of advice from Aretha, and T.H.I.N.K.

So. Yeah.

The past few days have been odd. It's strange to plunge into a world where your child may have as-yet-undetermined special needs. We've suspected issues with Rachel for a long time, but it's only been recently when we realized something was going on with Ben, and then we've jumped right into the therapy services that we're being offered.

My sister-in-law recommended another pediatrics office to me as a potential resource for an evaluation for Ben. I contacted them and found out that they don't do as extensive an evaluation as what Ben requires, due to his delays being in every area. But they do deal with children with ADD/ADHD, so I brought up my concerns about Rachel. They sent me a packet to complete and, once I've mailed it in, they should contact me within 3 days to schedule the intake appointments for the evaluation process for her.

Although I'm disappointed that they won't be able to evaluate Ben, it's a relief to be getting something started for Rachel. It's been difficult to manage her behavior even without everything that's gone on lately with Ben, but to try to manage both situations without professional intervention, and to keep slogging on with her in a situation that really isn't getting significantly better? That would eventually drive me to a nervous breakdown, I think.

I'm already tired of the emotional ups and downs, but I'm sure those are something that will come more into balance as I wrap my brain around what's happening and learn to live with it.

Ben's playgroup teacher came on Friday afternoon for her first at-home visit with Ben, which was more of a conversation between her and me about what the goals should be for working with him in the next few months and beyond. During that time, she brought up her concern that she believes he has autism. She isn't qualified to formally diagnose him, but she's an autism specialist with much experience. She mentioned specific reasons why she believes he may be autistic and said that she wants to see how things unfold over the next 2 to 3 weeks to see if her suspicions are correct.

Something tells me that she doesn't make that judgment lightly. She said that the physicians are Mary Bridge will be able to determine one way or the other if he is autistic and, if so, to what severity. It's hard to know how that might impact us. Giving it a name doesn't change the day-to-day challenges we've been having or change his personality, and if he is autistic, he'll qualify for additional services once he's started preschool with the public school system, which he'll do in September either way due to the delays.

I'm not that upset at hearing he may be autistic, which is odd.  I'll probably cry about it at some point, but for now, I appreciate that she's keeping us informed.  She said that she likes to tell parents what she's thinking so that they understand why she's asking particular questions and just know what's going on with their child.

I need life to get back to normal, although it's going to be a new normal.  I'd like to start getting back to a regular cleaning schedule and then find time to tackle more of the decluttering, sorting of items, cleaning out the overload of toys in Rachel's room and other chores like that.  Plus I've been collecting coupons that need to be cut out and put into my binder so that I'm actually using them and don't let that fall to the wayside.  Wasted money, people!

It seems like I can't get enough sleep to feel rested right now, but I'm sure that will change over time as we adjust.  It's a little tough currently, but I think we've been through a lot of the roughest parts already.

Challenges Now & Challenges Ahead

So, it's been a long time since I've written a post.  February was a really busy month.  I hosted 2 baby showers and had quite a bit to do for each.  I was supposed to take a Wilton Flowers & Cake Design course on Monday nights in February, but I ended up cancelling last minute because it seemed like too much to try to do that along with Rachel's dance class on Tuesday evenings, Awana for her at our church on Wednesday evenings, choir & worship team for me on Thursday evenings and small group at our house on Friday evenings.  I decided to wait until it's summer or close to it so that activities are beginning to subside and it's not as crazy.  I just can't commit to doing something every weekday evening.  I know my limits.

I also had a cold and the flu throughout the month.  Still getting over the last bit of the cold, which bookended the flu.  Our whole family took turns passing the flu around, but thankfully only once for each of us.  Hopefully we've gotten it out of our systems for a while and will be able to enjoy a good long period of healthiness.

We've been having our ups and downs with Rachel.  Lots of frustration over trying to get regular tasks accomplished without drama and nagging.  It's difficult to even have a conversation with her about setting goals because sometimes I can't get her to pay attention long enough to talk with her for 2 minutes.  I'm still reading the book The Explosive Child and am planning on working through the process to see if it can help, but I can't imagine that it will "fix" things to the point that it will be all we need to manage her behavior.  I firmly believe she has ADHD and would not be surprised to find that a low dosage of medication would bring about a world of change in how she's able to handle conversations, responsibilities, frustration, etc.

I'm irritated that our pediatrician largely seemed to dismiss my concerns.  We filled out a Vanderbilt Assessment Form, which checks for ADHD among other issues, and she had 12 out of 18 indicators for ADHD.  But we circled "Above Average" for how we'd rate our relationship with her, instead of "Problematic" or "Somewhat of a Problem," because we feel we've managed to keep a positive relationship with her despite our struggles and that she does feel loved. We explained that in the comments section and said that there are plenty of days where we're at wit's end and do have problems.

But because we didn't have a particular number circled, the pediatrician says she doesn't have ADHD.  I think that's bull.  And now we're having to deal with more drama and frustration and difficulties while we wait for things to play out so that we can press the point and push for further evaluation or a second opinion.  I could do that now, but I'd like to give the book's methods a decent shot before I then contact him again.

In regard to Ben, we had some concerns about how verbal development and whether or not he was comprehending things we were telling him.  He also shows aggression and gets frustrated sometimes, which we felt was largely related to not being able to communicate as he'd like to do.  We were referred by our pediatrician to the Birth to Three Developmental Center, and Ben had an evaluation a few weeks ago.  It reflected that he's delayed in every area evaluated:  Adaptive skills (like self-care and feeding), Cognitive, Expressive Language (what he communicates to us), Receptive Language (what he understands of what we're communicating to him), Fine Motor, Gross Motor and Social/Emotional.  He's behind enough on every skill to qualify for services.

That was a serious blow to us.  We knew that he was behind on some things but figured he'd catch up, and we just didn't know where he should be for his age.  It didn't seem like he was all that different from the other boys in the church nursery who are close to his age.

Also, because Ben is turning 3 on May 12, he only qualifies for services through Birth to Three until then.  After that, he qualifies for services through the public school district and will need to get any additional therapy through our insurance.  Ben would be able to start preschool on May 12, but only for a little over a month until the school year ends, and it would be the afternoon session.  He gets tired and cranky and still naps on many days, and I can't imagine that it would be helpful for him to attend an afternoon preschool session for 4 or 5 weeks while cranky.  Instead, he'll be starting preschool for 2 3/4 hours a day, 4 days a week in September.

I was not planning to send him to preschool so soon and it was upsetting to think that I'd have to do so.  The upside is that preschool will be of no cost to us, the teachers are trained to work with children who have delays, and they will work with us to help potty train him when he's ready.  There are a lot of benefits, but that doesn't make it less upsetting that Ben is delayed enough to require this kind of help.

It's dismaying not to know if there's a cause for his delays.  When a child has as many delays as Ben does, it's called Global Developmental Delay, and there's a lot of scary stuff on the Internet about causes for it or prognoses for some of those who have it.  We don't know if there's a reason for it; if Ben will always be delayed, and if so, how far behind he'll be; or if he'll be able to catch up with other children his age and this will be resolved with little to no aftereffects.  We have no idea what to expect.

I called our pediatrician's office and asked for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, one who is an expert at evaluating children with delays to determine a cause, if one can be determined.  I just called the developmental pediatrician's office and found out that they'll send me a packet once they have reviewed the referral to make sure Ben qualifies as a patient.  Then once I fill it out and return it (and make sure that it's all filled out completely and correctly), they have an 8-month waiting list.  EIGHT MONTHS.  Are you freaking kidding me?  We have to wait a minimum of 8 months from when they receive our completed packet to even start the process of finding out if there's a major problem, and in the meantime, just sit around in ignorance, hoping that things will be okay?  They mentioned that the Seattle Children's Center has developmental pediatricians as well but that their waiting list is longer.

So frustrated right now.

I know that God gave Rachel and Ben to us specifically and that we are the right parents for them and they are the right children for us.  I believe that things will get easier with Rachel and that it won't always be so frustrating with her.  I hope that Ben will benefit from the playgroup he's in, the speech therapy we've started and the occupational therapy we'll be starting as soon as we get a slot with a therapist.  But I have no idea what to expect as far as his future goes.  I don't know how fast or how far he'll progress, if he'll ever be able to keep up with other kids his age or if we need to just completely reset any expectations.  I don't know if our dreams for him will be within his reach.  But I adore my kids, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I think we're going to need to lean on God an awful lot through this.  I gave my burdens to Him yesterday and really did feel them lifted from my shoulders, but I suspect this will be a regular, and at times daily, process.\

And I know that we're fortunate when there are people who lose children to terminal illnesses and horrible events, or whose children don't even interact with them and show awareness, or who desperately want children and are unable to have them.  We're blessed in many ways, and I'm grateful, but sometimes I just want to wallow a little in self-pity and frustration and anger.  I'm glad that God allows that, too.