Are You Depressed?

For some reason, I got to thinking today about a guy I knew in high school youth group.  After graduation, he married a girl from our youth group who had graduated a year or two before.  She had a daughter from a previous relationship.  They seemed very happy, and though the little girl wasn't his biologically, he doted on her and I don't think he could have loved her more.

But a year or two after they married, he killed himself.  I didn't know Randy all that well, just from youth group events.  I have no idea what might have been happening in his life at the time or what had happened up until that point.  But I can't help wondering if he was in the throes of clinical depression and just couldn't take it anymore.

I experienced that in my freshman year of college, and that's been the worst experience of my life.  I just felt bad all the time and as if there was no hope of ever feeling better, no happiness in my future.  On many days, I simply hoped that my life would end so I could stop feeling so bad.  I never put much thought into suicide, though, because as a Christian, I believed that I would go to hell if I killed myself.

In reading through a book of Q&A from Max Lucado called Max On Life, he had some interesting things to say about that.  Here's part of his answer:

Let's be clear: suicide is the wrong choice. The date of our death is God's to choose, not ours. He gives life, and he takes it. When people orchestrate their own death, they make the wrong choice.

But is the mistake a spiritually fatal one? Do we despair of any hope of their eternal salvation? Are we left with the nightmarish conclusion that heaven holds no place for them?

By no means. For while suicide is the wrong choice, have not we all made wrong choices? And did Christ not come for people like us? Frame their lives rightly. Remember good decisions. Catalog blue-ribbon days. Jesus said, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28 NKJV). God does not measure a person by one decision, nor should we.

I appreciated his thoughts on this subject, and pondering it myself, it does make sense that God wouldn't choose this one sin as the unforgivable one, particularly as it is often driven by mental illness.

So how did I come out of my depression?  Basically just by waiting it out and through the support of a friend of mine who was a greater encouragement to me than I think he ever knew.  I didn't recognize what was happening to me, and if anyone else did, they didn't tell me.  It wasn't until several years later, when I read a checklist of symptoms of clinical depression, that I realized what I had experienced and why it felt so hopeless.

I really wish someone had said "Maybe you should go see a doctor or the college health department."  I know that my moods and attitude were evident to some of those around me, although not all.  If you think that someone in your life might be going through depression, please talk to them about it. You may be surprised at how open they are to discussing it, and it might spur them on to get the help that they need to get through it.

So how do you know if you are depressed?  Here are some of the symptoms:

• Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

I went through a minor depression last year and finally went to a doctor.  It turned out that I had very low levels of vitamin D, and she put me on a supplement that made a world of difference after just a few weeks.  Sometimes it's as simple as that, sometimes it might take counseling or antidepressant medication or other interventions.  But there's no shame in getting help for depression.

If you need help and you don't have insurance or aren't sure where to turn, you can check out the Mental Health Services locator on this web page:
http://store.samhsa.gov/mhlocator

Please don't feel like you have to go through it alone or just wait it out.

The Pity Party Never Lasts Long

I found myself recently feeling a little sorry for myself.  Sometimes it's a little tiring having two kids who are not "typical."  It can be draining, emotionally, mentally and physically.  But you know what?  There are definitely worse situations we could be experiencing as parents.  And it seems like whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I'm reminded that there are others who have much tougher challenges than we do.

We were in Seattle this weekend and visited Mars Hill.  One of the executive pastors was preaching, and he shared about his infant son, who died at the hospital after several months of surgeries and treatment without ever being able to go home.  In fact, they couldn't even hold him much while he was alive because he was hooked up to so many tubes and machines.

Then this morning, I watched part of a show on two people with mysterious medical conditions that cause them to age very slowly.  One was a 40-year-old man and one was a 6-year-old little girl.  The man was able to move independently to an extent, and the little girl needed to be carried everywhere as she's still largely in an infantile state.  I only caught the last third or so of the show, so I didn't see if they were able to communicate much beyond what I saw in the part I did watch, but it appeared that both were mostly in their own worlds and unable to interact very much.

And during both of these times, I realized that I am fortunate.  I have a daughter who is bright and funny, who cares about others and does thoughtful things for people, who likes to be creative and write stories and enjoys music, and who is a delight to be around.  Not always, but frequently!  I have a son who is full of joy and laughter, who has a wicked sense of humor even if he can't tell us jokes yet, who gives wonderful giant tight hugs and holds his arm out for kisses up and down it as he beams a beautiful smile, and who loves his family beyond compare.

I'm thankful that our children don't struggle with serious physical ailments or terminal diseases.  I'm thankful that we can enjoy communicating with them, even if we need to work harder to understand what Ben needs and aren't always successful.  I'm thankful that we have resources available to us - medical specialists and therapists and medication and developmental school programs - especially because I know that not everyone has access to such things, and because we have insurance to pay for those things that cost us money.  I'm thankful for supportive family and friends and for prayer and for the knowledge that God is in control and that He knew exactly what He was doing when He gave us these special children, and when He gave us to them.

August Already?

I was nervous about this summer, but it hasn't been too bad.  A few rough spots with Rachel, but they have been brief for the most part, and we're figuring out triggers and better ways to diffuse them.  We're already past the halfway point of summer, and while I'm looking forward to school starting back up, the has gone faster than I expected.

Rachel started swim lessons today and is doing much better this year than she did last year.  Last year was her first year of lessons, and she was so afraid of putting her face in the water or anything else that she didn't make much progress over the 16 or so lessons she had.  I think she made more progress in today's lesson than she did over the entire course of lessons last year.  She has an older lady for a teacher, in her 60s I'd guess, and the woman is no-nonsense and is making sure that she calls Rachel's attention back to her when it starts to wander elsewhere.  Rachel needs to work on some of her techniques for floating and kicking, but she's giving it good effort even though she's still afraid of water going up her nose, which happened today.  She's learning to do a better job of blowing out through her nose when she goes into the water, though!

Ben has been really sweet and started a few weeks ago to ask for "Hugs!" and "Kisses!"  He's always been big on hugging and gives AWESOME hugs, but he's also starting to give kisses again, something he hasn't done in a long time.  And when we say hi to him, he's responding much more regularly with "Hi! Hi!", too.  He was in the church nursery during the mornings while the rest of us were involved in a week of Vacation Bible School, and he did very well in there.  The main nursery care provider told me that it was a joy to have Ben there, and that's so nice to hear!  It always makes me a little nervous when we have to leave Ben with people who haven't been around him much since I don't know how he'll do and, to a lesser extend, what they'll think.

I *am* finding out that people are generally pretty understanding and many even have experience dealing with kids on the autism spectrum.  In fact, one of the other nursery workers during VBS used to work with severely affected autistic children.  So neat the way that God works out the details for things when we don't even think to ask Him for the specifics!

We're taking a vacation in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to that.  We're staying in town because it's easier to deal with Ben's sleeping arrangements if we can just sleep in our own beds at night, but this way we'll be able to play tourist locally and do some of the things about which we keep saying "We should totally do that sometime!"  We're planning on renewing our zoo membership for the Point Defiance Zoo and going there one of the days, along with a stop at Fort Nisqually afterward.  We're planning on two day trips to Seattle to go to the Children's Museum, Space Needle, University of Washington Arboretum and probably one or two other places.  Some of them won't take long, so we're hoping to do maybe 2 things a day plus lunch in between.  I'm hoping to find a good Cuban restaurant in Seattle on one of those days.  There's also a park not too far away that has a fountain play area that I think the kids would enjoy, judging by the fun they had at a similar fountain in Victoria, B.C. last year.  It will be nice to just take it easy that week and let ourselves be in vacation mode.  We'll have to resist the temptation to do yard work, though.  That wouldn't be vacation for me.

Coconut Pecan Frosting Recipe

We're headed to a family reunion today, and I decided to make some cookie bars to take with us, along with some layered bean dip and tortilla chips.  The cookie bars are awesome - a buttery firm bottom crust, semisweet chocolate chips sprinkled over it, a rich coconut pecan frosting layer (the kind of frosting you use in German chocolate cake) and a top crust of the same mixture as the bottom, thinned with a little milk.  I've blogged about them here.  The problem with the bars, though, is that all of the canned coconut pecan frostings I've seen have red dye 40 in them for some reason, and Rachel can't have red dye 40, so she didn't get to eat them whenever I made them.

I thought I'd try my hand at a homemade coconut pecan frosting instead, since I knew I could make it dye-free.  I found this recipe on Allrecipes.com, my favorite go-to website when I'm looking to try something new.  I made it yesterday, and BOY, did it turn out yummy!  I probably won't buy the canned kind again.  It's convenient, but there's also a weird tang or aftertaste, and I'm guessing that's due to the preservatives.  I'd much rather just make it myself know that I know it's not difficult and tastes so great.

Doesn't that make your mouth water?

Two notes:  I toasted the coconut and pecans before adding them to the frosting, and I stirred the frosting on the stove at a low boil for about 11 or 12 minutes.  I didn't stir constantly, but very regularly, since it can get lumpy if you don't keep it well stirred.

I encourage you to give it a try, and if you do, let me know what you think of your results!

Hi, and Stuff

So I was on a real streak there at the beginning of this month, but then I got busy and forgot to post and/or to write some posts ahead of time.  Then I just kind of drew a blank when I thought about what to write.

Summer continues, as does Rachel's dramatic tendencies.  And she's not dramatic in a good way.  She's in Vacation Bible School this week, and I thought having something to do in the mornings would keep her busy and entertained enough so that the rest of the day would go more smoothly.  Instead, she's been dragging her feet about getting ready in the morning, which leads to me nagging and getting all stressed out.  Then she's been moody and easily upset in the afternoons and evenings.  Mostly we've done alright, but she's had to go into time out a few times, and it's been a battle to get her there.

We had an appointment with the neurobehavioral pediatrician on Monday.  Based upon how she's currently doing and the last report he received from her teacher at school, the doctor decided to put Rachel on a very low dosage of medication to help with her attention issues.  He believes that she has a significant enough problem with attention span that it's causing the other problems with time management, defiance, oppositionality, emotional maturity, etc.  And he feels that finding the right dosage of medication will help her brain to function like those of other 7-year-olds so that she has the chance to choose more appropriate behavior as a general rule.

It was odd to have him prescribe medication now because we weren't expecting it.  I think he wanted to deal with the worst of her defiance and behavior problems with a method of parenting that works well for children like Rachel, and he probably also wanted us to retrain ourselves to be able to respond more calmly.  And now that we're doing those things and she's still having problems, it's more evident that there is indeed a neurobehavioral issue with her brain chemistry.  He likened it to a child with diabetes who needs insulin to regulate their blood sugar and help it to function correctly.

I know that there are some who believe it's wrong to medicate children with attention-span issues.  I'm thinking those people have never had to deal with the type of extreme behavior we've seen.  And they probably also don't think of the chemistry of the brain as a physical issue that sometimes needs physical treatment.  And yet if a child *did* have insulin-dependent diabetes, most people wouldn't dream of telling the parents that they needed to just be stronger and more consistent in their parenting, or just wait it out and the child would outgrow it.

I'm not interested in a debate over how we're proceeding with Rachel, but wanted to share what's going on for those of you who may have been following along with us.  We're watching Rachel carefully and will be talking with the doctor regularly so that he can monitor her progress.  He'll be seeing her again in August and at the beginning of October.  He's a very caring, concerned doctor who wants what is best for his young patients, and it's been good for us to see that so that we can trust his care of her.  We're keeping this in prayer and trusting in God and in our parental instincts to make sure that Rachel is getting all that she needs to be successful and to feel more joy and less frustration.  And if we as parents are able to feel the same as she makes progress, all the better!

Tenderizing Your Steak

As part of my pledge to widen my repertoire of grilling options, I decided to make steak and chicken for the 4th of July.  I was looking for ways to prepare both, and I came across a method for tenderizing steak that works even on cheaper, sometimes tougher, cuts of beef.  I found it at the food blog Steamy Kitchen, on this page.  You can go there to read her full description of what to do, including diagrams, and why it works.  In a nutshell, here it is:

• Your cut of steak should be 1" thick or more.
• Liberally salt your steak 1 hour before cooking for every inch of thickness.  For a 1" thick steak, you'll leave the salt on for an hour.  For a 1.25" steak, you'll leave it on for 1 1/4 hours, and so on.
• Once the time is up, rinse all of the salt off and pat the steak dry.
• Prepare as planned - grill, broil, etc.

Why does it work?  Salting the meat just before you grill brings out the moisture and causes it to basically be steamed.  It also doesn't allow the salt to really penetrate to give you good flavor.

If you salt ahead of time, it draws out excess moisture, but this doesn't leave your steak dry.  The salt is drawn into the meat and breaks down the protein cells, causing them to become more tender and mix in with the fat cells.

Apparently this can also work wonders with chicken and roasts, although I haven't yet tried that.  But I did try it for the 4th of July with my steaks, and they came out tender and flavorful.  Jaden at Steamy Kitchen also notes that you can add other items during the salting process to pull some of that flavor into the meat.  I used garlic powder, and there is definitely a mild garlic taste to the meat.  Kinda wishing I had added more!

Busy, Busy, Dreadfully Busy

It's amazing how busy I can be sometimes now that I stay at home full-time.  I used to think I would have long boring stretches of the day where I didn't have enough to do.  Not everything I do is all that exciting, but it is frequently productive (decluttering, cleaning), useful (putting away laundry, keeping up with the dishes) and/or valuable in the long run (doing my best to teach our children to be well-behaved and respectful, to uphold their part of things in the household and to love Jesus).  And my to-do list always has things that need to be done, so it's not like I just sit around thinking "Boy, if I just had more to do."  Much better than the job I had in my mid-twenties where I was the only person in the office 95% of the time and only had enough work to fill up maybe 15% of the day, and that was on a good day.

One might think "That sounds awesome!", but this was before the internet was in common usage.  I spent my days  playing minesweeper and hearts, working on a huge cross-stitch picture with different kinds of wild cats, reading books and even occasionally locking the door, curling up in the easy chair and taking a nap.  No one came into the office except a delivery person from FedEx, every once in a blue moon.  I was a temp and it was a long-term assignment, and I was preparing to move out of state.  Otherwise, there's no way I could have stayed in that job even for the six months I was there.  I'd much rather be really busy than have hardly anything to do and a bunch of time to fill.

Baking Tips - Cakes & Cupcakes

In my desire to become a better baker, I've been searching out tips for cakes and cupcakes.  Here are some of the things I found:

• Ingredients should all be measured properly.  Use a glass measuring cup on a level surface for wet ingredients, and use a flat-topped measuring nesting type of measuring cup for dry ingredients, using the flat edge of a knife to level it before you add it to the recipe.
• Sifting flour and sugar can help prevent lumps in your batter.
• Bring cold ingredients (such as butter or eggs) to room temperature before mixing, leaving them out for about an hour before you need to use them.  Butter will incorporate into a batter or dough easier if it's softened, and the whites of warm eggs can actually take on more volume than cold eggs.  Plus, cold eggs could potentially cause the softened butter in dough to become clumpy during the mixing process.  To bring eggs and butter to room temperature quickly, you can put eggs in a container of warm water for about 10 minutes.  Cutting up the butter into small pieces will speed the softening process, especially if you put it on a plate over the container with the eggs.  The warmth from the water will help things move along faster.
• Add ingredients a little at a time, mixing in between each addition.  If you are adding both wet ingredients and dry ingredients, begin and end with the dry, alternating with wet.  You'll achieve a better consistency that way.
• If you're making cupcakes, add batter evenly to all of your cups, filling them 1/2 to 1/3 full, depending upon how much rise you typically get out of that type of batter.  To make sure, you can bake a test cupcake and either add more or less to the remainder of the batch as needed.  A cupcake/cookie scoop or an ice cream scoop can help to achieve even batter in each cup, which will ensure more even baking from one cupcake to the next.
• Most standard-size cupcakes take anywhere from 18 to 25 minutes to bake.  Start checking for doneness at the low end of the suggested baking time.  As a general rule, a toothpick should come out clean when inserted into the center of a cupcake.  You can also press gently on the top of a cupcake.  If it's done, it should bounce back.
• Cool cupcakes for 10 to 15 minutes in the pan, then turn them out onto a baking rack to finish cooling.  Make sure that they are completely cool before they're frosted, or you'll have soft, sometimes even melted frosting as a result.
• You can freeze unfrosted cupcakes for up to 3 months or so.  Thaw them in the refrigerator or out on the counter, then frost them once they're completely thawed.

My Latest Pursuits in Baking

I've been keeping busy with baking projects lately.  Ben's birthday was on May 12.  He's a fan of Elmo and of chocolate (especially M&Ms), so I made this for him:

Triple chocolate cake with homemade chocolate fudgy frosting and M&M trim.  He liked the look of it and the M&Ms, but he's just not a cake eater (yet).  I think he knew it was just for him and enjoyed that, though.

Next up was a school carnival at Rachel's elementary school on June 3.  They were having a cake walk, so I made this for my contribution:

This was the same recipe for Triple Chocolate Cake and the fudgy frosting, but with Oreos for garnish.  I think this would be great with a filling of an Oreo-cream-like nature.  Either way, it was one of the earlier items picked up from the cake walk table - we arrived at the carnival about 25 minutes after it started and saw someone walking around with it, so that made me happy.

Rachel's birthday was on June 12, and we did a movie theme for the party.  She wanted these cupcakes for dessert:

She requested vanilla cupcakes and vanilla frosting, and that's what she got.

My friend Angie's baby shower was on June 14, and I baked some carrot cake cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting.  These didn't photograph as pink as they were in reality:

I'd like to find a way for my carrot cake to rise just a bit more during the baking process.  This is a dense recipe and tends to bake fairly flat, which works great for cake layers or a sheet cake, but it's nice to have a bit of a dome on cupcakes, I think.  The taste is really good, though, so I'm reluctant to mess with it.

These cupcakes did not all turn out the same size.  I used 2 different pans and noticed that my results with one were much more uneven than with the other.  I'm thinking I need to get some good muffin pans so that I can be more assured of consistent results with cupcakes in the future.  I haven't noticed as much of a disparity with other cupcake recipes, but I definitely noticed it with the carrot cake.

And finally, I baked up some goodies for the kids' teachers and for the school office at Rachel's school.  This is banana bread, chocolate chip cookies, butterscotch blondies and gooey butter cookies:

I had a really good time baking up the things for the goodie tray.  I discovered that I put pressure on myself when I'm making a cake or cupcakes, but cookies and bread are easier because they're a little more foolproof, I think, as long as you don't overbake them.  I'd like to take the fun I had in making the goodie trays and learn how to be more that way when I'm making cakes and cupcakes.  Perhaps that just means I need to make those more often so I get over being stressed about them turning out well!

Master Chef

I've really gotten into cooking competition shows in the last couple of years.  I like seeing the creativity of the chefs and how they work under pressure, and how their final product rates when it comes time for judging.  Plus I like shows where people compete based upon their skills or abilities.

I didn't watch season one of Master Chef, probably because I find Gordon Ramsay's persona to be offputting whenever I see a commercial for Hell's Kitchen.  I decided to give this show a try when season two started last month, and I've been enjoying it.  It's amazing what these former home cooks can do when presented with unusual ingredients or certain restrictions to follow.  Sometimes their dishes are spectacular wipeouts, but frequently they come up with something really great.

Ramsay himself is much softer here than in the promos for Hell's Kitchen.  Yes, he still curses like a sailor when presented with a very bad dish, but it's pretty much out of disappointment in what the contestant failed to show and hasn't seemed directed toward any of the cooks as people.  He also showed a soft side with some of the contestants during the audition rounds, which surprised me.

Out of the contestants competing, there are 2 in particular that I find offputting:

• Max is an 18-year-old student who I'm guessing is a trust fund kid.  He's from a wealthy upbringing and has traveled the world extensively, dining in fine restaurants as he went.  He then would work on copying the dishes at home.  He's talented, but he has such a condescending attitude toward the other cooks.  He's very disrespectful, insulting his fellow chefs regularly, and when the other chefs' dishes are being critiqued, he has a look of absolute glee on his face, while everyone else is feeling empathy for the chef whose dish has turned out so badly.  I really really don't like him.**
• Suzy is a 27-year-old neural engineer.  She has come up with some creative dishes and has done multiple dishes for several challenges where only one finished dish was required.  Definitely an overachiever, and when judge Graham Elliot said that she reminded him of the girl in school who would always pipe up to say "Teacher, you forgot to give us homework!", she stated that she was indeed that girl.  Suzy tends to think she can do no wrong and that the judges instead made the wrong decision when her dish is in the top three but another chef's dish is chosen as the winner, regardless of critiques the judges have made, noting where her dish fell a little short.  And when the judges are complimenting her, she just stands there nodding her head with a big grin on her face that looks like she's responding with "I know.  Isn't it awesome?"  Some thank yous would go a long way for her.

Last night's episode had an elimination challenge where contestants had to make dessert.  The winner of the earlier Mystery Box challenge got to choose which ingredient he would use in the elimination challenge (he chose nuts), and which ingredient the other chefs would use (he chose coffee for them).  Max is extremely lucky that chef Alvin screwed up bigger than he did, because Max's dish was described as an ill-conceived concept with a rancid taste.  I'm bummed that Alvin made such a huge mistake with his dish, which was coffee-filled beignets with a coffee pudding.  His use of scientific methods unfortunately did not serve him well, and he went home.

**I wrote this blog post between Monday's episode and Tuesday's episode.  Max got eliminated in Tuesday's episode, and I was not sorry to see him go.  However, a new contender emerged for unlikable contestants: Christine, a 27-year-old single mom.  She has always had a tendency to swear like a sailor and she gets flustered and stressed out in many challenges, but in the aftermath of last night's elimination challenge, she got really out of hand with her behavior.  She went one-on-one against Max in cooking filets 3 ways: rare, medium and well done.  She had better seasoning, and her cooking of the meat was more spot-on in 2 of the 3 methods.

When the team leader singled out Max and Christine, Max was ticked off, but Christine just about came unhinged.  She was dancing around like a Bantam rooster, and started throwing out some punches.  She behaved in a really unprofessional way, and while the challenge was going on, she kept giving Esther, the team leader, the stink eye.  I'm guessing she won't be in the contest too much longer judging by how often she panics when they have challenges.

The nice thing is that I like most of the contestants.  My top three favorites are:

• Alejandra, a 37-year-old architect with tons of natural talent in the kitchen;
• Derrick, a 33-year-old web designer who likes to make his dishes in unorthodox ways sometimes, and it usually pays off;
• and Christian, a 31-year-old stay-at-home dad who straightened his life out after his son was born and who learned to cook so that he could feed his son good food.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this season turns out, and maybe digging up episodes of season 1 as well.

The Long Hot Summer

I don't know if this summer is going to be hot (although I certainly hope it won't get too hot), but it looks like it's going to be long.  It's only about 10 weeks from the end of school until the start of it again in September.  Still, I'm already inundated with requests to entertain Rachel and repeated bouts of whining when she doesn't get her way.

She was talking recently about how she wishes she was still in school, because she likes going to class and playing with her friends and because it keeps her busier.  She talked about how all she has to do is read books, play with her Pet Shop toys and watch TV, and how is she supposed to deal with that?  It doesn't sound like too rough a life to me, but I know how it is to have a job and have very little to do at that job, and it gets tedious quickly.

Yesterday we went to the library, and the act of getting ready for it took most of the morning.  We ended up leaving at 11:15.  But that was okay, because keeping our focus on the fact that we were going somewhere made the morning go faster, and then we killed some time that took us right up to lunch.  I had her work on some spelling word practice and write in her summer journal, and then she did her responsibilities so that she could watch a little TV.  I also painted her fingernails and toenails when she was ready to sit down and watch TV, and I think that helped to motivate her to get things done.

I'm trying to come up with stuff to keep her busy without me necessarily needing to be an active participant.  I don't mind playing some games and spending time with her throughout the day here and there, but the demands on me to constantly supply something for her to do are driving me a little crazy, and they make it difficult for me to get my own responsibilities done.  It's also tough to find any "quiet time" during the day, and I desperately need that to be a good mom.  Otherwise, my fuse is much shorter and my reactions are not as kind as they should be.

I think Ben benefits from the structure of preschool, too.  He adjusted to it well, and I have to admit that, even though it was tough for me to send him off so soon, it ended up being really nice having a few hours on Monday through Thursday when I could quickly run errands, get things done around the house or just enjoy the peace and quiet.

Neither child is doing well with sleeping patterns lately.  Rachel keeps sleeping in and then having trouble falling asleep many nights, but if I wake her up early, she'll be a royal grouch for the rest of the day.  I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and do that soon, though, if she keeps having trouble at night.  With summer here, though, we may just have her get ready for bed by the normal time, and then read for a longer period to help tire her out.  That way, James and I still get some quiet time in the evening, and she doesn't keep coming out of her room to tell us that she's having trouble sleeping, or turning her light on and being sneaky about reading when she's supposed to be in bed.

Ben has always had problems with staying awake at night long after he should be asleep.  I would try removing naps, but he gets so crabby and, worse, aggressive (sometimes just downright mean) when he doesn't have a nap.  Sometimes he keeps himself awake through naptime, and that can be rough, too, but he at least needs some downtime on his own in the afternoons.  And I need that, too.  He clearly isn't ready to give up his naps, so I may need to try to limit how long they are.  That's tough to do when he frequently takes so long to fall asleep.

I'm looking forward to the two weeks of VBS in July.  One is just Rachel going to VBS at the church where she attended preschool, and the next week is VBS at our church.  I'll be a crew leader (for Rachel), James is helping out in various areas, and Ben will be in the church nursery while we're there.  I know that it'll be a bit tiring; nonetheless, it will be good for Rachel to have something to do and will make those days go faster.  After that, we have two weeks to fill, then two weeks of morning swimming lessons that will help pass the time, then a week of vacation.  I think there's a week and a half left of summer post-vacation.

So that just leaves this week and next before VBS starts, and leaves me thinking about how I can make the time more pleasant and help Rachel to think more creatively about what she can do with her days.

Adventures in Cooking

I was watching an episode of Master Chef the other evening.  The contestants were making fresh ravioli, and I thought "Why haven't I ever done that?"  It seems like it might be a little challenging to get the dough to be the right consistency and to roll it out to the proper thickness, but nothing that some practice wouldn't fix.

I decided then and there that I would in the near future make some homemade ravioli from scratch.  And then I started to think about the other kinds of foods that I'd like to try making and haven't.  I think it would be a lot of fun to pick a few of them to make each month and start trying out new things.  Some are things I've eaten in restaurants but haven't done myself, some are cooking techniques I want to learn and some will be things that I've heard about but haven't yet eaten and that just plain sound good.

My list so far:

• Fresh ravioli
• Bubble and squeak
• Something Irish (possibly Colcannon)
• Something German - I was thinking Schnitzel and Spaetzle, but apparently Schnitzel is Austrian; I may just do that, anyway.  Another one that sounds good is Hochzeitssuppe, a German wedding soup.
• Brining a chicken - I've never brined poultry but have heard that it imparts great flavor and keeps it from drying out
• Improving my grilling skills and increasing my repertoire of what I grill beyond burgers, hot dogs, smoked sausages and chicken.  I've also never tried doing a dry rub, and want to do that.
• Baking cakes and cupcakes more often so that I can improve my decorating skills and perfect my recipes for cake and frosting.  Two cake recipes I found recently that I want to make: Butter Cake with Browned Butter Frosting, and Chocolate Pumpkin Layer Cake with Brown Sugar Frosting.  Yum!
• Cuban food - probably garlic chicken with rice and black beans.  I also have a copycat recipe for Zankou Chicken's garlic paste that I really want to try.  Zankou Chicken is a small chain of restaurants in the L.A. area.  They have awesome rotisserie chicken and serve it with Middle Eastern side dishes, and the garlic paste is a spread for pita bread, or you can do like I do and put it right on the chicken.
• Homemade tamales
• Bread - James got me a book called Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day, and I have to try a recipe from it.  Must remedy that one, and soon!

I'm sure I'll be adding to this list as I think about other things I want to try.  Plus I have recipes bookmarked in my AllRecipes Recipe Box that I have never tried, and ones that are in my recipe binder.

I need to get busy with planning meals so that I can schedule some of this stuff in and get started!

What's Up with the Kids, Anyway? - Pt. 2, Rachel**

Rachel

• While going through everything with Ben, we decided it was time to find out what might be going on with Rachel.  We had 3 appointments in April & May, one with just the parents and the neurobehavioral pediatrician, and 2 that included Rachel.
• We also had extensive evaluation paperwork to complete, and Rachel's homeroom and math teacher had evaluations to do that pertained to her behavior at school.
• Because she doesn't show attention problems at school, the doctor doesn't think at this time that she needs to be treated for ADD.  He said that it may be something that shows up at a later date, or it may be that her issues are not rooted in an attention disorder.
• She does have Oppositional Defiant Disorder and displays excessive defiance at both home and school.  There seems to be some OCD as well.
• The pediatrician recommended that we get a DVD called 1-2-3 Magic, as he has seen many children like Rachel and with even more extreme defiance find success when their parents used this method.  The biggest components of the method are for parents to remain calm (and stop having their own temper tantrums in the face of very frustrating and infuriating behavior in their children) and for them to apply it consistently.  Both of those are good things for us to remember.  We're still working on it, but we're making good progress with Rachel and are being encouraged.
• The other thing that has made a difference is that I stopped letting her have red dye 40.  I did some reading up on it and saw that it can cause children with ADD/ADHD to have aggravated symptoms, and even in those who do not have ADD/ADHD, some have a sensitivity to red dye 40 that can cause them to mirror those symptoms.  She still has mood swings and temper tantrums, and I'm sure she will always have a defiant streak, but the pendulum does not swing as far nor as often now as it was when I wasn't monitoring her intake of the dye.  It's amazing how much difference something like that can make, and that it even has the power to bring out that sort of behavior.

It can be so difficult sometimes when we're faced with her bullheadedness and, at times, downright nastiness.  But we know that she's a very bright girl who loves us, dotes on her brother and is so patient with him.  She has a silly, fun sense of humor and so much creativity and imagination.  She's empathetic toward others and does thoughtful things for other kids at school.  We know that her strong-willed streak will enable her to stand up to peer pressure when she's older, and march to the beat of her own drummer.  She is growing up to be a remarkable person.

She may be a lot of work, but she's worth it!

**Please note that I'm not looking for advice, just sharing and sometimes venting.

What's Up with the Kids, Anyway? - Pt. 1, Ben**

To keep things simple, here's a recap in bullet form:

Ben

• Was evaluated by our Birth to Three Center in February and found to be delayed in all areas - speech, fine motor skills, adaptive, social, cognitive, etc.
• Started playgroup therapy 2x a week along with weekly occupational therapy, speech therapy, and at-home therapy with his playgroup teacher.
• Made some good progress in that time, but aged out of the program when he turned 3 on May 12.
• During his time in the program, he saw a specialist who noted some autistic characteristics and behaviors, but didn't feel he should be diagnosed with full-blown autism at that point and asked to see Ben again in 6 months (late October or early November).
• The specialist diagnosed PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified).  It's a disorder in the autism spectrum.  What does that mean?  From the Autism Speaks website:  PDD-NOS may be thought of as “subthreshold autism," or a diagnosis one can give a person who has “atypical symptomatology.”  In other words, when someone has autistic characteristics but some of their symptoms are mild, or they have symptoms in one area (like social deficits), but none in another key area (like restricted, repetitive behaviors), they may be given the PDD-NOS label.
• Ben started in a developmental preschool program at a local preschool on May 16.  He made good progress in following their schedule and sitting for things like circle time without having to be asked.  We're hopeful that he'll continue to do well when the program starts up again in the fall.
• Progress with cognitive skills, language and other things has been slow, but we're celebrating all the little steps along the way.  Last week, for the first time, he answered my "I love you" with an "I lub you" in return.  Yesterday, I got to hear him do it again, and it was wonderful!

There are good days and bad days.  He's a very sweet boy, but sometimes he lashes out in anger and tries to hurt us.  He feels everything very deeply, which is unfortunate when he's grabbing our hair, biting or scratching us; but it's awesome when he's giving us a long, tight hug and saying our names with such love!

This isn't how we would have chosen for things to be, but we're learning to live with the new normal and to be thankful for lots of things that we might have otherwise taken for granted.  The hardest part for me is not knowing how he will progress and what his future will look like.  For that, I just have to continually make the decision to trust God, knowing that He will enable us and empower us for whatever lies ahead.  Easier said than done, but I'm learning.

**Please note that I'm not looking for advice, just sharing and sometimes venting.

Time to Get Back on the Horse

Life threw me for a loop for a couple of months.  Okay, it was five months.

The last time I wrote about our kids, we were still a bit in the dark in terms of what was going on with each.  I've written updates about them on Facebook, but writing blog posts seemed overwhelming, like too much work when I was just struggling to try to keep up with the day-to-day stuff.  I'd been making really great headway at the beginning of the year in getting through the decluttering of areas that had been neglected for far too long, and I was starting to work on things that I'd been wanting to do for a while.  But once we entered the world of evaluations and therapy, it knocked the wind out of me.  Plus this might have been the grayest winter we've had since moving here in March 2006, and it seemed to last FOREVER.

I felt like I just could not get back into the swing of things, much less gain forward momentum again, for months.  I was sapped of energy and motivation.  I'd look around at things that needed doing and feel helpless to do them.  Even had a few days where I felt real despair.

I actually went to my doctor for a checkup, not knowing if what I was experiencing was just a natural reaction to stressful life circumstances or if I might actually be going through depression or an anxiety disorder.  She ran some blood tests, and it turns out that my vitamin D level was pretty low.  Symptoms of low vitamin D can include depression and chronic fatigue.  She put me on a 50,000 unit weekly vitamin D prescription for 6 months, and after that I'm supposed to take a daily dosage.

I've started to feel much better this week.  I think that the vitamin D is kicking in, and that combined with the sunshine we've had for most of the week has helped me to find some motivation and be productive.

It has felt really good to get a lot done and use my time well.  I'm looking forward to clearing away the clutter that was already in existence and that which has gathered in the last few months.  It's going to be great to have the house get more and more cleared out, but we're going to have to be vigilant about ways to keep the clutter from building back up.

I was going to write about the kids, too, but I think I'll have to save that for another post.

Food Icons you can find on LoseIt!, even though they have no icon for Bread

So I keep thinking that I need to write some posts to update people on what's going on with Ben and Rachel.  I've done lots of mini-updates via Facebook but figured it would be good to just recap what's been happening with both children.  But that requires time and thought and stresses me out a little just now, so instead I'm writing this post about the ridiculousness of icon options in the LoseIt! app.

I love the LoseIt! program, as I've mentioned before.  But one thing that is weird about the app is that, when you're entering a new food not contained in the database, you can use the default icon for your food, or you can select from the available icons listed.  Many a time I have entered a particular kind of bread, but when you look through the icon list for Bread, you won't find it.  You can find specific kinds of bread products, like Bagel, Breadsticks, Cornbread, Hot Dog Bun, and even White Bread, but no just "Bread."  (What do you have against Wheat Bread, LoseIt?)  I find this annoying.  Sometimes I just want to call something "Bread" and would like to use the appropriate icon for it, because I am anal-retentive.

Still, it's good to know that if I have one of the following items, I will be able to find its accompanying icon when I enter the food enter LoseIt!'s database:

• Bamboo
• Chestnut
• Coca-Cola (yes, it has its own icon - where's the love for bread?)
• Falafel
• Fern
• Gobo Root
• Gourd
• Hershey Kiss (another brand-specific item listing)
• Marshmallow
• Okra (yeah, that'll happen)
• Seaweed (see above comment)
• Seed
• Spice, Brown
• Spice, Green
• Spice, Red
• Spice, Yellow (do we seriously need 4 separate color-coded listings for Spice?  How about doing something wacky and lumping them all together under "Spice"?)
• Starfruit

There you have it, folks.  The goofiness that is LoseIt!'s icon listing.

You Better T.H.I.N.K.

Tonight I was reminded of a sermon I heard 5 years ago, right after we moved to Washington.  It was at a church that we visited the first couple of weeks here.  It never clicked for me, although James really liked the preaching and service style and visited there on his own a few times when I was under the weather.

One of the sermons I heard there has stuck with me all this time.  In it, the pastor used an acronym to describe how to decide if we should say something.  And that acronym was T.H.I.N.K.

• Truthful - is what you have to say truthful?  That should be pretty straightforward.  But if you're not sure that what you're about to say is truthful, perhaps it's best to leave it unsaid.
• Helpful - is your comment or question going to be helpful to the person to whom you are going to say, or might it hinder them in some way or be unhelpful?
• Inspirational - will it bring inspiration to them in some form?
• Necessary - is it something that needs to be said, or might it be wise to keep the comment to yourself? Will it cause more harm than good in saying it?
• Kind - are your motives kind in saying it?

This isn't to say that you can never say something to a person that might hurt them; confronting an addict about their problem or a fellow follower of Jesus who's in obvious sin about their need for repentance is something that is a painful process but often necessary in order to truly help that person.  But there are many times when we open our mouths and insert our feet, or say something that is insulting or hurtful to someone, with no thought towards a beneficial end goal or without considering "Is there a better way to say this?  Am I correct in my assumptions or judgments about the situation?"

I admit that I need to live by this acronym more than I do currently, but there have been a few times when I've been stopped short in saying or writing something with the realization that it was not necessary or kind, or that it wouldn't be helpful for me to bring up ___________ to someone that was not ready to hear it.  There have also been times when I've been deeply wounded by words, sometimes said on purpose and sometimes said thoughtlessly.

So take a word of advice from Aretha, and T.H.I.N.K.

So. Yeah.

The past few days have been odd. It's strange to plunge into a world where your child may have as-yet-undetermined special needs. We've suspected issues with Rachel for a long time, but it's only been recently when we realized something was going on with Ben, and then we've jumped right into the therapy services that we're being offered.

My sister-in-law recommended another pediatrics office to me as a potential resource for an evaluation for Ben. I contacted them and found out that they don't do as extensive an evaluation as what Ben requires, due to his delays being in every area. But they do deal with children with ADD/ADHD, so I brought up my concerns about Rachel. They sent me a packet to complete and, once I've mailed it in, they should contact me within 3 days to schedule the intake appointments for the evaluation process for her.

Although I'm disappointed that they won't be able to evaluate Ben, it's a relief to be getting something started for Rachel. It's been difficult to manage her behavior even without everything that's gone on lately with Ben, but to try to manage both situations without professional intervention, and to keep slogging on with her in a situation that really isn't getting significantly better? That would eventually drive me to a nervous breakdown, I think.

I'm already tired of the emotional ups and downs, but I'm sure those are something that will come more into balance as I wrap my brain around what's happening and learn to live with it.

Ben's playgroup teacher came on Friday afternoon for her first at-home visit with Ben, which was more of a conversation between her and me about what the goals should be for working with him in the next few months and beyond. During that time, she brought up her concern that she believes he has autism. She isn't qualified to formally diagnose him, but she's an autism specialist with much experience. She mentioned specific reasons why she believes he may be autistic and said that she wants to see how things unfold over the next 2 to 3 weeks to see if her suspicions are correct.

Something tells me that she doesn't make that judgment lightly. She said that the physicians are Mary Bridge will be able to determine one way or the other if he is autistic and, if so, to what severity. It's hard to know how that might impact us. Giving it a name doesn't change the day-to-day challenges we've been having or change his personality, and if he is autistic, he'll qualify for additional services once he's started preschool with the public school system, which he'll do in September either way due to the delays.

I'm not that upset at hearing he may be autistic, which is odd.  I'll probably cry about it at some point, but for now, I appreciate that she's keeping us informed.  She said that she likes to tell parents what she's thinking so that they understand why she's asking particular questions and just know what's going on with their child.

I need life to get back to normal, although it's going to be a new normal.  I'd like to start getting back to a regular cleaning schedule and then find time to tackle more of the decluttering, sorting of items, cleaning out the overload of toys in Rachel's room and other chores like that.  Plus I've been collecting coupons that need to be cut out and put into my binder so that I'm actually using them and don't let that fall to the wayside.  Wasted money, people!

It seems like I can't get enough sleep to feel rested right now, but I'm sure that will change over time as we adjust.  It's a little tough currently, but I think we've been through a lot of the roughest parts already.

Challenges Now & Challenges Ahead

So, it's been a long time since I've written a post.  February was a really busy month.  I hosted 2 baby showers and had quite a bit to do for each.  I was supposed to take a Wilton Flowers & Cake Design course on Monday nights in February, but I ended up cancelling last minute because it seemed like too much to try to do that along with Rachel's dance class on Tuesday evenings, Awana for her at our church on Wednesday evenings, choir & worship team for me on Thursday evenings and small group at our house on Friday evenings.  I decided to wait until it's summer or close to it so that activities are beginning to subside and it's not as crazy.  I just can't commit to doing something every weekday evening.  I know my limits.

I also had a cold and the flu throughout the month.  Still getting over the last bit of the cold, which bookended the flu.  Our whole family took turns passing the flu around, but thankfully only once for each of us.  Hopefully we've gotten it out of our systems for a while and will be able to enjoy a good long period of healthiness.

We've been having our ups and downs with Rachel.  Lots of frustration over trying to get regular tasks accomplished without drama and nagging.  It's difficult to even have a conversation with her about setting goals because sometimes I can't get her to pay attention long enough to talk with her for 2 minutes.  I'm still reading the book The Explosive Child and am planning on working through the process to see if it can help, but I can't imagine that it will "fix" things to the point that it will be all we need to manage her behavior.  I firmly believe she has ADHD and would not be surprised to find that a low dosage of medication would bring about a world of change in how she's able to handle conversations, responsibilities, frustration, etc.

I'm irritated that our pediatrician largely seemed to dismiss my concerns.  We filled out a Vanderbilt Assessment Form, which checks for ADHD among other issues, and she had 12 out of 18 indicators for ADHD.  But we circled "Above Average" for how we'd rate our relationship with her, instead of "Problematic" or "Somewhat of a Problem," because we feel we've managed to keep a positive relationship with her despite our struggles and that she does feel loved. We explained that in the comments section and said that there are plenty of days where we're at wit's end and do have problems.

But because we didn't have a particular number circled, the pediatrician says she doesn't have ADHD.  I think that's bull.  And now we're having to deal with more drama and frustration and difficulties while we wait for things to play out so that we can press the point and push for further evaluation or a second opinion.  I could do that now, but I'd like to give the book's methods a decent shot before I then contact him again.

In regard to Ben, we had some concerns about how verbal development and whether or not he was comprehending things we were telling him.  He also shows aggression and gets frustrated sometimes, which we felt was largely related to not being able to communicate as he'd like to do.  We were referred by our pediatrician to the Birth to Three Developmental Center, and Ben had an evaluation a few weeks ago.  It reflected that he's delayed in every area evaluated:  Adaptive skills (like self-care and feeding), Cognitive, Expressive Language (what he communicates to us), Receptive Language (what he understands of what we're communicating to him), Fine Motor, Gross Motor and Social/Emotional.  He's behind enough on every skill to qualify for services.

That was a serious blow to us.  We knew that he was behind on some things but figured he'd catch up, and we just didn't know where he should be for his age.  It didn't seem like he was all that different from the other boys in the church nursery who are close to his age.

Also, because Ben is turning 3 on May 12, he only qualifies for services through Birth to Three until then.  After that, he qualifies for services through the public school district and will need to get any additional therapy through our insurance.  Ben would be able to start preschool on May 12, but only for a little over a month until the school year ends, and it would be the afternoon session.  He gets tired and cranky and still naps on many days, and I can't imagine that it would be helpful for him to attend an afternoon preschool session for 4 or 5 weeks while cranky.  Instead, he'll be starting preschool for 2 3/4 hours a day, 4 days a week in September.

I was not planning to send him to preschool so soon and it was upsetting to think that I'd have to do so.  The upside is that preschool will be of no cost to us, the teachers are trained to work with children who have delays, and they will work with us to help potty train him when he's ready.  There are a lot of benefits, but that doesn't make it less upsetting that Ben is delayed enough to require this kind of help.

It's dismaying not to know if there's a cause for his delays.  When a child has as many delays as Ben does, it's called Global Developmental Delay, and there's a lot of scary stuff on the Internet about causes for it or prognoses for some of those who have it.  We don't know if there's a reason for it; if Ben will always be delayed, and if so, how far behind he'll be; or if he'll be able to catch up with other children his age and this will be resolved with little to no aftereffects.  We have no idea what to expect.

I called our pediatrician's office and asked for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, one who is an expert at evaluating children with delays to determine a cause, if one can be determined.  I just called the developmental pediatrician's office and found out that they'll send me a packet once they have reviewed the referral to make sure Ben qualifies as a patient.  Then once I fill it out and return it (and make sure that it's all filled out completely and correctly), they have an 8-month waiting list.  EIGHT MONTHS.  Are you freaking kidding me?  We have to wait a minimum of 8 months from when they receive our completed packet to even start the process of finding out if there's a major problem, and in the meantime, just sit around in ignorance, hoping that things will be okay?  They mentioned that the Seattle Children's Center has developmental pediatricians as well but that their waiting list is longer.

So frustrated right now.

I know that God gave Rachel and Ben to us specifically and that we are the right parents for them and they are the right children for us.  I believe that things will get easier with Rachel and that it won't always be so frustrating with her.  I hope that Ben will benefit from the playgroup he's in, the speech therapy we've started and the occupational therapy we'll be starting as soon as we get a slot with a therapist.  But I have no idea what to expect as far as his future goes.  I don't know how fast or how far he'll progress, if he'll ever be able to keep up with other kids his age or if we need to just completely reset any expectations.  I don't know if our dreams for him will be within his reach.  But I adore my kids, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I think we're going to need to lean on God an awful lot through this.  I gave my burdens to Him yesterday and really did feel them lifted from my shoulders, but I suspect this will be a regular, and at times daily, process.\

And I know that we're fortunate when there are people who lose children to terminal illnesses and horrible events, or whose children don't even interact with them and show awareness, or who desperately want children and are unable to have them.  We're blessed in many ways, and I'm grateful, but sometimes I just want to wallow a little in self-pity and frustration and anger.  I'm glad that God allows that, too.

Non-Extreme Couponing

I've used coupons a few times in my life.  I was really proud of the times I've said close to $10 on my grocery bill by using manufacturer coupons.  It's great saving money on things you were going to buy, anyway.  But every time I've tried using coupons, I've found myself letting coupon inserts pile up or finding that half of the coupons I'd clipped were expired when I was finally ready to use them.

We've been looking to cut down our budget where we can, and I know that groceries are one area that can really vary from month to month.  I was also sure that I could save some money there by going back to planning menus a month ahead of time (which I still need to restart) and by using coupons on a regular basis.

I watched Extreme Coupons a few weeks ago.  Rather than inspiring me, it freaked me out a little.  These people were *really* extreme.  The first woman profiled claims to spend 70 hours a week couponing, but she also has a full-time job.  I'd like to know how much work she actually gets done for her job on any given day, not to mention how much attention she pays to her husband, who was clearly fed up.  She has two rooms devoted to her stockpiling and had started to take over the room that was his "man cave."  I personally think that's a goofy term, but I get it, and she was telling him he should remove some of his things from that area so that she'd have more room for storage.  The woman had 3,000 rolls of toilet paper in her stockpile!  I read that it's enough to last an average couple for 30 years.  She also had things that she didn't seem to have a plan for using ("They paid me a dollar for each of those tubes that I took out of the store;" "Those boxes there are beauty products.") and was simply hoarding.

At any rate, I have no desire to duplicate that obsessive level of couponing.  I *do* have a desire to save my family some money and help pay off debt sooner, and free up money for the fun things we'd like to be able to do more often.  And I think with a few hours here and there (especially once I've gotten in the habit), I'll be able to do so.  Some couponers use coupon clipping services, but I think I can save plenty by just using the ones in the paper.  Still, it's good to get extra copies of the paper for particularly good coupons.

We already get a free city paper on Saturdays with 1-2 coupon inserts in it.  I checked to see if I could get more copies delivered (as my friend Angie had done, and is now getting 5 copies for free every Saturday), but I was told it would be $80 for a subscription, and I'm not sure if that would be $80 for each of the copies (or $320 for the non-free copies total).  I didn't want to pay for the extra copies if I could help it, but I did find some places in town where they stock extra copies for people to take for free.  Score!  I figure that since pretty much everybody in my city gets the paper for free, it's not a problem for me to pick up a few extra copies, so my plan is to now have 5 copies of the Saturday paper each week and use those coupons in my shopping.

With that taken care of, my next problem is organizing them in a way that will work for me so that I can stay on top of what I have and use those savings at the best times, and before they expire.  The best way to save is by combining coupons with store sales.  I've been told by friends that the easiest thing is to choose 1 to 2 grocery store for this process, since more than that becomes overwhelming, and I agree.  There are coupon websites that list store prices for quite a few chains (like Coupon Mom and My Grocery Deals), and some of those websites also show you which coupons are available to go with the sale items.  Northwest Coupon Lady lists the sale and value aisle prices at her local Richmond, WA Winco, which should match up with other Wincos even if the price varies just a bit.  I have to test this but am looking forward to doing so!

To actually organize the coupons, I'm going to give a coupon binder a try.  I've tried putting them into envelopes, but it's hard to find the ones I need and to make sure I'm using coupons before they expire.  I was thinking about trying a small file box, like a recipe card box, but I think I would run into some of the same problems.  Then I read this article from BeingFrugal.net on organizing a coupon binder.  Some of the things I noted that I think will be helpful to me are to use a zippered binder (so that if your binder falls when you're carrying it closed up, you don't end up with coupons spilling out all over the place) and to use photo or baseball card pocket pages to sort and view your coupons.  I noticed the extreme couponers on the show used binders, and I think there's some sense to it.  A Thrifty Mom also has a great article with tips on getting started and how she organizes her coupons, along with a list of the section headers that she has in her binder to help her find the right coupons quickly.

I've currently got coupon inserts spread out on my kitchen table.  I'm tearing the pages apart and stacking the same coupons together so that I can cut them out several at a time, then I'll get them organized.  I still need to pick up a binder and the pages to go in it, but at least I can get started and start checking the sale flyers for bargains.  I'm looking forward to seeing how much I can start saving by shopping this way!

I Love My Contigo Water Bottle

That's all there is to it.

I've been thinking that it would benefit me to start using a reusable water bottle.  I've tried a metal one before with the theory that it would keep my water colder and wouldn't taste "plasticky."  It didn't.  It tasted metallic.  I did a little searching for a metal bottle with a ceramic liner, thinking that might taste better.  I didn't search too thoroughly, but I didn't find any.  And if they exist, I'm betting they're pricey.

Cut to last week when I was shopping at Costco.  I spotted a 3-pack of Contigo water bottles in aqua, raspberry and a dark charcoal color.  James loves his Contigo travel mug and uses it frequently for his coffee.  These water bottles were cool-looking, they were in the AutoSeal line and they were only $15.99 for all three.  I decided to give them a try.

This one is similar to the raspberry one we have:

Ours is a little more slender, I think, and it has a bumpy grip on the bottle near where the lid attaches, which makes it easier to hold.  This one also appears to have lines measuring the volume of the liquid, whereas ours don't, but I don't miss that.

Pros:

• Bumpy grip
• BPA free
• Thick walls keep water cool for a long time
• Narrow enough to fit in car and stroller cupholders
• Automatically seals closed so it doesn't spill or leak.  You press a button on the lid to take a drink and release it to seal it again.
• The button is easy to press and it's nice not having to unscrew the cap or lid of a water bottle.
• Dishwasher safe in the top rack
• Lid allows you to drink water quickly
• Has a carabiner so you can attach it to bags
• Environmentally friendly way to stay hydrated
• The water I drink from it actually tastes good!

Cons:

• Lid is heavy, which can make it the tiniest bit unwieldy when putting the lid on until you get used to it.  The bottle height and heaviness of the lid might make it difficult to use in most stroller cupholders.
• If you don't empty out the lid's opening, when you press the button, you can get a little blast of water (very small, just a couple of drops) in your face.  Yes, I speak from experience.  That's easy enough to fix, though - I just bring my bottle upright before I release the button, and that empties it enough.
• Most people probably don't have dishwasher top racks tall enough to accommodate; handwashing it is pretty simple, though, and I don't mind.

By the way, you should definitely wash out your reusable water bottle regularly (every other day, if not daily) and sanitize it periodically to keep it from growing bacteria, mold and algae.  A simple way to sanitize it is to put in half an inch of baking soda, then fill the bottle most of the way with hot water and close it tight.  Shake it for about a minute and leave it for half an hour, then rinse it thoroughly.  If the water from your bottle still tastes weird after you've sanitized the bottle, it's time to recycle it and get a new one.

The best part of my new water bottle is that I find myself drinking a lot more water, and I know that's good for me.

Hey, How've You Been?

I was sitting here composing a Facebook mini-rant about magazines and websites that don't post nutritional information for their recipes (what is UP with that, Real Simple?) when it occurred to me that I hadn't posted in a while.  I'm not going to post an extended rant here, but suffice it to say that people really should at least say how many calories, fat grams and carbs are in the recipes.  Websites like SparkRecipes have free recipe calculators.  It's what I use to find out the info when I don't have it for a particular recipe, but I think it's ridiculous that things like Real Simple magazine and FoodNetwork.com don't include that type of information already.  It's not like people won't cook that food if they see the nutritional information, since many people don't really care about their calorie intake, anyway, or can afford indulgences here and there.  But for those of us who do care, it would be nice if we didn't have to do the work ourselves so much of the time when it's readily available information for those who are printing the recipes.

Okay, so that was sort of a medium-sized rant.  I'm sure you can deal with it.

We're in the midst of Ye Olde Unplanned Bathroome Renovation.  I think it's going well, but what do I know?  Yesterday was day 1, which involved ripping stuff up, basically.  The toilet was removed (and placed on our front porch - as James said "Take that, HOA!"), old linoleum came out, the old tub and shower surround came out, and the damaged portions of the subfloor were cut out.  Today, they cleared out the debris from the removals, cut the hole in the laundry room ceiling to take out a little more that was damaged and give it a nice square-edged area for replacing, installed new subflooring, put in some new 2x4 supports behind where the shower head will go and attached that piping to it and put in the new tub, which appears to now be connected to the drainpipe.

I'm not sure what's next when they get started again tomorrow, but I'm really hoping the shower surround and hardware go in, because I'd like to see that coming together.  I don't know what else they might need to get done before that, but I'm pretty sure they'll be getting to that at some point during the day.  I'd absolutely love it if they got the surround in and secured and the plumbing things all connected and the tub and shower caulked, but that may be too much to hope for.

By the way, we found out that the tub and surround were not cracked.  There were two issues that combined to basically thrash the subfloor and require replacement.  One was not enough wax rings under the toilet, which caused the one ring to deteriorate over time and prevent the seal from being complete.  The other was something that the builder apparently did when installing the tub, which was to fail to properly seal off a spot where 2 pieces of pipe were connected.  There's an inner pipe and an outer one; the inner would overflow into the outer spot, which could hold a certain amount.  If showers were short enough, the water would just go back down and be eliminated.  If showers were longer, the water would fill up the outer pipe, too, and overflow that, resulting in the drip that we were seeing rather severely with some showers and not at all with others.  So at least we found out the mystery and this should indeed fix the drip there permanently.  Our tub was technically okay, but it's 32 years old and getting rusty, so it would need replacing in the nearish future and the contractor recommended taking care of it now.  We concur since it wouldn't save much, with labor to put back in the old tub probably being about the same as the new one.  And this way we were able to get a tub that's a little bit deeper and roomier but still fits into the same footprint.

I was going to talk about more things, but now this post is already really long, and I'm not sure anyone is even still reading this.  Are you?  At any rate, I'm also tired and am going to wrap it up and move on.  But I'm sure I'll be back again soon.

Call Me Ranty McRanterson

Allow me to vent for a moment (or close this page and move on to something else).  Today just wasn't a good day.  The weather has been cold and the mornings have been dark and the days have been gray, which makes it really hard to feel rested and find motivation, which means I end up with not that much done at the end of most days.  And that's frustrating.

We have the ongoing leak between the master bathroom and the laundry room, STILL.  After 3 visits from the first plumbers that American Home Shield sent out, they decided upon the 4th call to send another plumbing company.  Those plumbers determined that we had no leaks in our pipes or connections and were fairly certain that we have a hairline crack in our bathtub or surround, and recommended replacing both.  I'm pretty sure that they are both original to our 32-year-old house, so I guess that's a good amount of usage, but it stinks that this happened after we took ownership so that it became our problem.

So we got a recommendation for a contractor who could take care of replacing the bathtub and shower surround, replace the bathroom floor, brace the damaged truss underneath in the laundry room ceiling, and redo and finish the drywall in the ceiling.  The estimate was more than we hoped it would be, but probably a fair price for the work we're having done.  The cost of the tub and shower was on top of the estimate.  Ouch.  We hadn't been planning to redo the bathroom any time soon, so this is a bit financially painful.

The contractor came in the daytime on New Year's Eve (a Friday) to take a look at what needed to be done so that he could give us an estimate.  He asked how soon we'd like the estimate and mentioned Mondayish, and we said that would be fine.  On Wednesday, I called him, and he called me back to give me the estimate.  He asked if I wanted it in writing, and I asked him to please send it in an e-mail just so that I had it on hand.  I also mentioned that we had a pediatrician's appointment for Monday and asked if he could start on Tuesday instead, since we'd discussed starting on Monday.  He said that their current job was running into some complications, so he wasn't sure if they could start on Tuesday, and that it might be Wednesday or Thursday. I asked him to give me a call and let me know once he knew when they would be able to start.

That was 5 days ago, and I still haven't heard from him.  No phone call to give me a start date, and no estimate in e-mail.  This is a man who was recommended by a very reputable man from our church who works in construction.  He also replaced all of the windows in the house of our friends, and they were really happy with him and his work.  So I'm left to wonder what on earth is going on that the only time I've spoken with him is when I've contacted him.  He did come on time for the estimate; everything else has been initiated by me.  I don't know when (if?) he's going to get started on our project, and this makes me nervous about how things will go once he does get started.  Am I going to be stuck with no working bathroom and a gaping hole where the tub once was, looking down into the laundry room, for days or weeks or if turns flaky?  Is there some reason why he has been slow to get back to me?  I suppose it's up to me to once again get ahold of him to see what's happening.

I hate dealing with home repair stuff as it is, and when people put the burden on me to have to do the legwork or be the one to initiate everything, it just gives me a giant ball of stress in my stomach.  I don't need the uncertainty of whether or not I'll be able to depend on the person who's charging us a sizeable amount to do an unexpected repair.  I want to know that the people I hire for services will actually offer me good customer service.  Why is that such a problem?

Food Tips I've Found Helpful

As I've become more calorie-conscious, there are things that I've been learning or of which I've been reminded.  Some of them are things I've known for a while but to which I haven't given much thought, while others have been a new discovery for me.  You may already know all of this, but then again, you may have forgotten or may be unaware of some of it.

• Types of salad dressings vary great in calories and fat grams.  The ones in our refrigerator currently range from Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger (35 calories and 1.5 fat grams in 2 T.) to Newman's Own Caesar Dressing (150 calories and 16 fat grams in 2 T. - ouch).  In between are Ken's Fat Free Raspberry Pecan, Kraft Zesty Italian, a French dressing and Ken's Creamy Balsamic.  Make sure you check the labels to see if the dressing is worth the calories.  The Newman's Own Caesar Dressing is totally worth it, but I have to use it on days where I know I won't be eating other high-calorie meals in order for it to be worth it.  Otherwise, I pick one of the lower-calorie dressings.
• Additionally, I find that 1 tablespoon of dressing (and not the "serving size" of 2 T.) is generally plenty for a side salad.  Sometimes I need a little more than 2 T. if it's a large dinner salad.  I used a measuring spoon meticulously when I first started tracking my calories on LoseIt!  I still use it most of the time but will sometimes eyeball it and make sure I'm not being overly generous.  I really used to drown my salads, and I'm enjoying them more without dripping soggy lettuce.
• Salad dressings also vary widely from brand to brand.  I've seen 35 to 40 calories difference in "light" ranch dressings.  Sometimes price isn't the only consideration, even if you're on a budget.  Don't sacrifice a healthier product to save a quarter or two, especially when salad dressing can last for a long time.  The same is often true with light mayonnaise, sour cream, lunch meats, cheese and other products.  Read those labels!
• Portion sizes are probably smaller than you think, if you haven't been paying attention lately.  For example, a 4-oz. portion of meat is about the size and depth of a deck of cards.  An ounce of cheese is approximately a 1" cube.  Chips can be anywhere from 7 or 8 to 32 chips for an ounce of something like Fritos.  When you're building that giant plate of nachos, you can bet you're having at least 2 to 3 servings of tortilla chips, and that can easily get you to 350-500 calories just as your base.
• I'm a lot less likely to grab a handful of crackers, candy, Goldfish grahams (those things are GOOD) or other foods that happen to out on the counter if I know that I need to account for those calories.  Sometimes I'll have some, anyway, and make sure I enter those calories.  Other times, I pass on it so that I don't need to track it.  Keeping count has made me much more conscious of eating things instead of absently just grabbing for something that's out in the open and looks tasty.

I truly had no idea before how many calories I was consuming.  I also didn't know how many calories I should be consuming, so even on days when I thought I did well, I'm sure I was overeating by a fair amount.  Thus my slow but steady weight gain over the years, until I was 40 pounds higher than I was 10 years ago.  I've been working hard and have lost about 22 of that so far.  I'm planning on losing another 15-20 and seeing how I look and feel at that point.  I don't think I'll feel the need to lose more because I think that will have me at a healthy, and maintainable, weight and size.  But once I've moved on to Maintenance, I still plan on keeping an awareness of portion sizes, how many helpings I'm eating of something and the other helpful lifestyle changes I've made to finally take off this extra weight.

New Recipes for a New Year

I've been trying some new recipes lately.  Partly driven by leftovers and partly driven by wanting to try new things, I've been using other recipes for inspiration and tailoring them to what I like and what I have on hand.

Here's one for Chicken Tortellini Soup.  I must say, I think this turned out particularly delicious!  I had most of a package of 3-cheese tortellini in my refrigerator and was looking to use up about half of a rotisserie chicken, so I made this one up.  I referred to a few other recipes for proportions of liquid and spices, but then did some tweaking of my own for the actual recipe in the link.  And at just over 280 calories per serving, it's a healthy, hot meal, too.

I used a similar process to come up with this recipe for Ham and Cheese Quiche.  James loved it!  I liked it but thought it could use some sliced green onions, probably about 3 or 4.  (I left them out because Rachel doesn't like them, and then she ended up not caring for the quiche, anyway!)  I only use the green parts because the white are a little too hot for my taste.  Minced dehydrated onions would be also good mixed in to this.  I diced a brown sugar cured country ham steak but would use a smoked ham steak next time as I think the smoky flavor would be a better blend than the sweet flavor of a brown sugar ham.  I used Swiss and Parmesan cheeses but would like to try it with sharp Cheddar in place of the Swiss for a stronger cheese flavor.  I still thought it was tasty but think I can improve on it with these changes.  There were 358 calories in 1/6 of the quiche.

Lastly, there's Chocolate Butterscotch Fudge.

The original recipe for Peanut Butter Fudge is from Bakerella, who is always coming up with phenomenal ways for me to blow through my calories in a day.  In reading through some of the comments from her post on the PB fudge, I saw someone mention making it with butterscotch chips in place of the peanut butter and thought "Hey, I need to try that!"  This is a very rich and sweet fudge, perfect in small bites (and 105 calories per piece if you cut it into 60 pieces in a 9x13-inch baking dish).  I'd like to try the original recipe with the peanut butter, too; I think the peanut butter would make a nice contrast.  I was also thinking of other potential combinations, and one I definitely want to make is a Cherry Chocolate Fudge, using white vanilla chips and cherry extract in place of the peanut butter and vanilla.  I think that would be delicious, and so festive with a red layer on the top!