One Year Ago

One year ago today was the worst day of my life.  It was the day that I walked in to Ben's bedroom to get him up for school and found him unconscious on the floor after vomiting during the seizure he was still experiencing.  We didn't know at the time what was happening, but rushed him to the ER in town (he had another seizure during the drive), where they stabilized him, ran a CT scan (during which he had 2 more seizures), then made arrangements to transport him by ambulance to the Children's Hospital in nearby Tacoma.

Here he is in the ambulance:

I still vividly remember how terrified I was to find him on the floor, stiff and whimpering, unable to get any kind of response from him.  I tried to sing to him in the car on the way to the ER but could hardly get the words out because my throat was thick with tears.  I was so afraid that he was dying, or that he would survive but that something happened that would affect him permanently and change who he was.  I got out of the car at the ER drive-up to take Ben in while James and Rachel parked the car.  Rachel said to me "Mommy, your face is all wet."  She didn't seem to take in the seriousness of what was happening.  And in a way, that was a big blessing.

We waited and watched while the medical team got him hooked up to tubes and machines and checked out his vitals.  He tried to pull away when they went to put the IV into his arm, and it was good to see a little fight in him.  They took him for his CT scan, and brought him back to wait until the ambulance was ready to take him to Mary Bridge Children's Hospital.  While we were still in our local ER, the wife of James' former boss, who worked at our local hospital, came down with a nurse friend, and they asked if they could pray with us.  I appreciated their calm presence and their ability to pray when it was hard to form words in my own mind.

My mom came to pick up Rachel and take her to school for us.  The ambulance arrived, they fastened Ben's carseat onto a gurney and got him buckled in, and I rode with him to Mary Bridge while James followed in our car.  Ben cried out when we went out into the cold air to load him into the ambulance, and it was like balm to our souls to hear.

We traveled to Tacoma, then we waited in a room in their children's ER until a regular hospital room was ready for him.  We had several people come in to check on him and ask us questions, and some of them would say "He's going to be just fine!"

I was not going to trust and believe that until I saw Ben's eyes open and could see him interact with us and know that he was really still in there.  I just needed to see it for myself to feel better.

The medicine that they gave him at the first ER to stop his seizures worked, but it also made him extremely sleepy.  So it became a waiting game to see when he would wake up.

After taking Rachel to school, my mom had stopped by our house to get a few things for us, then picked up breakfast and brought it to us.  She waited with us at the hospital after that.  James' parents came over from Bremerton and waited with us, too.  The hospital chaplain stopped by.  I wanted to ask him "Are you new here?", because although he was well-meaning, he didn't quite seem to know what to do.  It was strange.  Ben stirred in the noon hour when the nurses came to mess with his IV, even giving a protest, then he went back to sleep.

Our friend and music pastor, Patrick, came over to be with us, too.  By that time, it was mid-afternoon, and I was on the phone with my friend Jennifer, asking her to take Rachel home with her from school (her boys go to the same school).  And while I was in the hallway, Patrick stepped out of the room and gestured to me, and I knew my little man had finally woken up.  I walked back in to see such a beautiful sight:

I'm sure it was very disorienting for him.  The last thing he remembered was probably being in his room that morning before the seizure started.  I had heard him chattering a little shortly before I had gone in there and found him, so it hadn't been long.  But then it was probably really strange to wake up in a hospital room with a tube in his arm and machines all around and people staring at him, some of whom he knew, some of whom he didn't.

He stayed awake for about half an hour before he crashed again for several more hours.  We had ordered pizza from the menu for him in case he woke up hungry.  He woke up again a little before 7, and we were able to get him to eat, first with some persuading, then with more enthusiasm.

Not too long after dinner, a tech came by to do an EEG on Ben's brain so that they could try to determine if Ben was still experiencing unseen seizures or if there was anything else they needed to see in his brain activity.  We were skeptical that he would be able to attach roughly 2 dozen electrodes to Ben's head at all, much less in a way that they would stay adhered long enough for him to run the test.  And we didn't think Ben would stay still long enough for the test, either.

Much to our surprise, the EEG tech got every single one of those electrodes on.  He had such patience, and when Ben would start to move around, he'd just wait until Ben settled back down.  He reapplied a few that Ben loosened, but when all was said and done, everything was on that needed to be.  They were hoping to do both waking and sleeping EEGs during that time.  I sang to Ben and played some videos on my phone to keep him still during the waking part, then he fell asleep partway through, so it worked out perfectly to do the sleeping EEG, too.  We were thankful to God for helping Ben through that.

It was shortly after 10pm when the pediatric neurologist came to go over the results of Ben's EEG.  They had had 4 other children with the onset of seizures in the hospital that day, so she was quite busy.  It turns out that he was still having little seizures in his left and right frontal cortexes.  That, coupled with the lack of a fever or anything else preceding his seizures, indicated that he had epilepsy.

Interestingly, this neurologist started out as an autism specialist before moving into neurology, so in addition to treating Ben's epilepsy, she also performed a more thorough evaluation on him, and his diagnosis was changed from PDD-NOS to Autism.  Both are on the autism spectrum, but Autism is a clearer diagnosis.

We've had to make adjustments in Ben's seizure medication, changing to a different one that caused less behavioral issues.  His sleeping patterns have not settled back into the regular good nights of sleep that he was getting before his seizures started.  His focus at school was totally shot for a while, which is why he was assigned a one-on-one paraeducator.  He's doing much better now in school.  We're hopng to figure out the puzzle of sleep and get him back into good nights of sleep on a more frequent basis.

Above all, we are thankful that Ben has not had any more seizures since that day a year ago.  About 40% of people do not have any more seizures once starting medication.  We are so grateful that Ben is in that group.

And I'm glad that a day that started in a such a terrible, horrible, no good very bad way was able to end on a mostly positive note with a little boy who was doing much better.

One more picture - here he is back at home the next evening.  You'd think he would have been exhausted and would have crashed rather rapidly for the night.

You would be wrong.

Unforeseen Dangers

I'm blogging a lot about our children lately.  I guess that's because they're a big part of my day, and my emotion is often driven by what's going on with them.  Blogging is a way to process events and, sometimes, unburden myself from things that are swirling around in my mind, or share about our life to help people understand what it's like.

Last night, I was upstairs helping Rachel with something when I heard the worst kind of shriek from Ben, followed by scared crying.  If you're a parent, you probably (unfortunately) know that shriek - the "I hurt myself and it's still hurting, and I don't know what to do about it" panicky cry.  I ran down the stairs and found him in the living room with a block hanging off of his lip.

It was one of those big Megabloks, the chunky kind that are for younger children.  He likes taking 2 of the blocks and putting them together, then pulling them apart, or taking a stack that I've been putting together and taking ALL of them apart.  He sometimes uses them in the bathtub, too.

Neither James nor I had anticipated that there would be danger inherent in these blocks, since they're too large to get all the way into his mouth and become choking hazards.  But Ben likes to chew and bite on the blocks, which weakens them, and he had caused one of the pegs to get a crack around part of its base.  It opened enough to take in his lip, then clamped down.

I managed to get it off of his lip, but his lip was cut either from the block itself or the processing of removing it.  Blood ALL OVER, holy cow.  It took about an hour, during which we debated going to Urgent Care or seeing if we could stop the bleeding at home, before we got it to come to a stop.  The advice to put direct pressure on a lip wound for 10 minutes would not work with Ben, but I was able to do it in short spurts and also got him to suck on an Outshine popsicle, which helped the bleeding to slow down.  He also chewed and bit on a cool wet washcloth, which helped to slow things down and absorbed some of the copious amounts of blood.  And eventually, we left it alone and watched, and the blood clotted and he stopped actively bleeding.

YIKES.

Sometimes we just can't anticipate the things that he can turn into a danger for himself or others.  He got ahold of a glass from the kitchen counter while I was following him downstairs to the kitchen after a diaper change, then dropped it when he saw me, sending glass shards all across the kitchen floor.  He took an aluminum can out of the recycling bin last year and cut his thumb so badly that I took him to the ER because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding.  I now have a medical superglue to fix a cut at home if someone gets a cut like that happens again, but I couldn't put it on his lip.  He'll eat candles, deodorizer beads, pencil erasers, tips of marker pens and all sorts of things.

It's so hard to try to keep one step ahead of him, and sometimes we're not.  And then we feel bad when he hurts himself, but we also realize that there's only so much we can anticipate and try to protect him.  And we continue to pray that he'll develop a sense of safety so that his environment isn't so hazardous for him and we can one day take down baby gates and remove child-safety locks and stop having to lock all the interior doors of the house so that he doesn't get into our rooms and get into something he shouldn't.

Watching Ben in P.E.

I had a chance to sit in on Ben's P.E. class on Monday.  The physical therapist leads the Monday class and gives assistance and directed tasks for the children to follow.  She had assessed Ben in September and he qualified for the PT assistance, and she invited me to come visit to see how they do things.

I was surprised by the roller coaster of emotions that I felt while I was there.

• Joy - In seeing Ben, sitting outside the gym while waiting for the previous class to leave.  He was doing such a nice job sitting and waiting, and it makes me happy to see his little smiling face.
• Anxiety - While watching Ben twist around and try to get away, or run off from his paraeducator.
• Embarrassment - When Ben doesn't want to perform a task (or maybe doesn't understand, but I suspect a lot of it is our German stubbornness distilled to perfection in him).
• Guilt - Over the embarrassment and wondering if it's wrong to be embarrassed when your child with special needs acts up or can't manage.
• Pride - When Ben performed tasks, some of which he performed really well.  This particularly is true when it's a task that he's had to work on, like throwing and catching a ball.
• Admiration and Gratitude - For the therapists and paraeducators who work so patiently with all of the children.
• Love - All the time.  But especially when he ran up to me during class a few times because he wanted to see his mom.

I was sitting there thinking about how easy it is for some kids to just go to PE and play.  I wish everything wasn't such a challenge for Ben.  He loves to run, and jump on a trampoline, and bounce on a big ball, but the structure can be difficult for him.  I know that it's important for him to learn, but I wish that it wasn't so hard for him to learn everything.

Letting Go of Dreams, Ours and Rachel's

When we found out that Ben had significant delays in nearly every area of development, we went through a grieving process.  We had to let go of a lot of our expectations and hopes and dreams for him.  We realized that life for and with him would probably not look like what we had thought it would.  Growing up and making friends, playing with other boys at recess, having conversations and other things as basic as those are the things that I dream and hope for Ben now.

It's not impossible that Ben will progress cognitively to the point where he can have normal friendships and relationships.  But it's hard to set our hopes that high, because then if the future doesn't resemble anything like that, and if Ben is dependent on us for the rest of his life and isn't able to live independently, or go to college, or drive a car, or get married, or have children, and those are dreams that we held, it would be like having to give them all up again and go through the grieving process once more.

I still have days and moments where I grieve the loss of The Big Things, because I don't expect them to happen.  There's a part of me deep down that still holds out hope for them, but my goals are more realistic and, hopefully, attainable.  I want to be able to have conversations with Ben.  I want him to be able to express to some extent how he's feeling and to tell us what he needs.  I want him to know how very much we love him, and how much God loves him, and how special he is.  I hear stories of people whose autistic children just suddenly started to speak in sentences in a very short period of time, and they started to catch up in school and were able to be mainstreamed.  It would seem like, if that were going to happen for Ben, we would have seen that start by now.  But I don't know.  I'm not God, and I don't know what the future holds.

Yesterday, Rachel said "It's sad that I won't get to be an aunt."  And we talked about how Ben might progress enough to be a dad one day, but that he might not.  I told her that she could still be an aunt if she gets married and if her husband has siblings.  She said "Yes, but it won't be the same kind of aunt," meaning an aunt by blood vs. marriage.

Rachel has had to give up on a lot of dreams, too, and that makes me sad for her.  I know that she would love to have a sibling (especially a sister) with whom she could play, more than just running around and being silly.  She loves Ben very much, of that I have no doubt.  But I wish she didn't have to miss out on the closeness and companionship that siblings can have.  Sometimes it feels like we've failed her by not giving that to her.  But I know that she has much to gain from having Ben for a brother.  I just hope that she is able to realize that as she gets older, and that we continue to see in her the positive qualities that having a sibling with special needs can develop in a child.  Things like compassion, empathy, a desire to help others and emotional strength.

Organization is Awesome

I started to write this as a Facebook status update, then realized it was getting a bit wordy (as I am known to do sometimes) and thought "This seems more like a blog post."  I figured I would make it a blog post and try to get back on the horse so that my 2 blog followers would have something new to read here.

I'm finally making a new To Do List template for myself so that I can keep organized and on track with not only keeping the house clean, but making headway with organizing and decluttering, which makes me happy.  I saw a template on Facebook sometime last week, I think, but can't remember for the life of me who posted it and was unable to find it after probably 45 minutes of searching.  So instead of wasting more time, I'm just making my own because I didn't quite like the templates I was finding.

I also decided I'm going to create a Master To Do List that details what I want to do each week (or day of the week), month, quarter and year.  It's so easy to forget things like "clean windows" or "clean out freezer" if you don't do them on a weekly basis, plus I want to have one main list where my regular tasks stay the same for my own reference, without the things I would add in each week for doctor appointments, trips to specialty stores, and other things that are more random.

Yesterday, I reorganized the bottom half of the big storage cupboard in the kids' bathroom, which is basically our overflow pantry because the one in the kitchen is the size of a very small coat closet.  Things become a jumble in there easily, and when I bring home groceries, they sometimes sit for a few days until I can make room for them in the pantry.  Those bottom two shelves look really good, and I'm hoping to get the top half done today.  That's a bigger task because it includes moving the medical and supply items one shelf higher and the food that's currently on that shelf one shelf lower, so that they are harder for Ben to reach.  So it's a little more involved, but still quite doable.

I made a rather ambitious list of things I'd like to get done over the school year, and one of them is getting back into regular scrapbooking so that I can finally start to enjoy that hobby again.  But my list also includes lots of reorganizing and decluttering, and just making our house less full of "stuff" that we don't use or need.  If it's in good shape, it will be donated.  Otherwise, it's going into recycling or trash, depending upon what it is.

Getting a space tidier almost makes me giddy, it feels so good.  One would think I'd get a natural high from it that would drive me to clean like that all the time.  But life doesn't always allow the extra time to work on those things.  Thankfully, it does right now!

January Blog A Day: #28 A SURPRISE!

Surprises don't come along often enough, I think.  Surprises are awesome when you're able to pull them off.

When I saw this topic for day 28, I knew just what I was going to write about.  I had a great surprise last year when James planned an overnight trip to Southern California for our 12th wedding anniversary in September.  He'd gotten us tickets to see and hear John Williams conduct the L.A. Philharmonic at the Hollywood Bowl.  He had planned the whole trip, arranged for his parents to stay with our children, booked the plane tickets and hotel and kept it all on the downlow so that he could surprise me with a really memorable present and a much-needed getaway for us!

Before the concert and right after we left the airport, we headed for one of our favorite and very much missed restaurants in L.A. County, Aloha Food Factory in Alhambra.  We met up with our friends Heather and Jon and had such a great visit!

I had the kalua pig plate, which also has white rice, teriyaki grilled vegetables and awesome macaroni-potato salad.

James had an island plate, too, but with orange chicken instead of kalua pig.  After our island plates, we split a 2-pancake order of Macadamia Nut Pancakes with a creamy vanilla-pudding-like syrup.  SO GOOD.  I was disappointed that I didn't have any room for some shave ice, because theirs is like biting into super-soft snow instead of crunchy bits of ice like a snow cone.  But I was extremely satisfied.

After lunch, we went to our hotel by way of a cupcake shop called Dots.  Believe it or not, I'd never been to a cupcake shop before.  I've always just made my own.

We took the cupcakes to the concert, along with food we picked up at Trader Joe's for our Hollywood Bowl picnic.  I liked their cupcakes but ultimately felt that I could do better!  After Dots, we went to the Embassy Suites in Glendale.

Really cool huge water feature in the lobby, and there were koi and little turtles in the pond at the bottom.  I like Embassy Suites because you get a suite (obviously), plus they have great complimentary breakfasts with cooked-to-order omelets, bacon, potatoes, fruit, cereal, pastries and lots of other yummy yummy stuff.

After we got our things put away and got ready for the concert, we stopped at Trader Joe's and then went to the L.A. Zoo parking lot for our shuttle ride to the Bowl.  That was the best way we found to travel there when we used to live in L.A.  It was only about $3 per person (or maybe $5?) for the round-trip ride, you don't have to hassle with driving in traffic or the nastily crowded Bowl parking lots that are so hard to exit afterward.  Also, the buses go the back way and there are security and police officers that hold up traffic when a bus is coming through, so you get in and out pretty fast.

We found our seats and got settled in with our picnic food.  Here we are, waiting for the concert to start:

We had such a great time!  We'd been to the John Williams concert twice while we were living in L.A. and really enjoyed it.  He's so incredibly talented, and he puts on a long concert with several encores.  He does a mix of well-known tunes and more obscure pieces from popular movies.  I had no idea that he composed the music for Fiddler on the Roof, but we got to hear a song from that film among many others.

There were also several songs from the Star Wars films.  Whenever one of those songs started, or the love theme from Superman, out came a bunch of light sabers that moved with the beat of the music.  I sure wished I had one!  Next time.

We didn't have enough time to visit our old Sunday School class and still make it to the airport in time, so instead we enjoyed a delicious breakfast, then drove around Glendale for a little while, going past the apartment where used to live and some of the houses we admired.  We also admired the palm trees, which I really miss!

We flew back home and happily reunited with our children.  It was such a quick trip, but really refreshing.  It was so nice to have a chance to just spend that time together, being able to talk and not talk (Best in Show, anyone?) and enjoy some quietness and relate to one another as just a couple and having a break from Mom & Dad duties!  And it was wonderful to see Heather and Jon again and have the opportunity to catch up with them.  We packed a lot into what amounted to 22 hours in L.A.  Would love to do it again sometime for a little longer!

January Blog A Day: #27 Regret

I don't have a lot of regrets that have stayed with me.  It's not that I haven't done stupid or foolish things in my life.  I most certainly have.  I try to let go of them and move forward, though.  Sometimes that's easier said than done.

The one regret that is a longstanding one is the wish that I had been less concerned about what others thought of me when I was in high school and college.  I suspect I would have had so much more fun if I wasn't so insecure and self-conscious.  I had enjoyable times then, especially during college, but was often hindered in trying new things and getting to know people because of the fears and anxieties that held me back.

I still am self-conscious sometimes and have a hard time approaching someone to introduce myself and try to get to know them.  I think part of that is the introvert in me.  It's probably never going to be an easy thing for me to walk up to a stranger or the barest of acquaintances and say hello and strike up a conversation with them.

Perhaps I should start carrying around one of those sets of conversation-starter cards.

January Blog A Day: #26 Winter/Summer

There are things I like about every season. There are I dislike about most seasons, too. It's hard to think of things to dislike about spring. But we're not here to discuss spring, anyway. Our current topic is winter/summer. Winter brings colder temperatures that are sometimes unpleasantly cold. Our furnace is 34 years old and struggles hard to keep up with the cold when temps go below 40, but it just can't. Correspondingly, our electric bill goes through the roof. If we have a big wind storm, ice storm or snow storm, we are almost guaranteed to lose power for a few days because so many power lines are near trees that fall over or lose big branches that take out linesor transformers. The gray days make me feel tired and lack energy, which makes it hard to get things done.  It also makes it feel dark inside the house and I end up having lots of lights on, even during the day.  Plus my hands can't retain enough moisturizer and I have to resort to increasingly heavy-duty moisturizers.

But winter brings a break from yard work. It sometimes leaves beautiful snow-coated landscapes. It's a season of fireplaces and sweaters and snuggling in blankets, either by yourself or with loved ones. I don't usually mind the rain, and it waters our lawn and plants enough that we don't have to worry about them for a number of months.  It sometimes features the Olympics, the only time I ever get really excited about watching a bunch of different sports. Winter is a time of hot casseroles and soups and rolls with butter. And it brings Christmas, which is my favorite holiday. I love shopping for gifts that I think people will really enjoy. I love making (and eating) Christmas goodies, and going to the annual ladies' Cookie & Candy Exchange. I love putting up the Christmas tree and looking at all the special ornaments and what significance each has. I love hearing Christmas music and seeing the lights all over. And I love celebrating the birth of Christ, and the candlelight Christmas Eve church service.  And relaxing afterward with my little family as we eat finger foods and watch a movie together.  And gathering with family to celebrate on Christmas Day.

Summer. Summer is a time that lacks structure and where I don't have much quiet time or time to be really productive. When it's a hot summer, I get cranky because, like most houses in this area, we don't have a/c. (Hopefully that's something we'll rectify when we replace our ancient furnace.) Lawn care kicks into high gear, including lots and lots of weeding, plus pruning and watering frequently and figuring out what plants need to be replaced.  Boredom can set in for Rachel, and all that time without an outlet for her energy like school can lead to behavior problems.  It's also tough to find enough to do with Ben when so little still interests him.

But summer gives us a more relaxed lifestyle with fewer obligations and early mornings when everyone has to get ready and rush out the door.  Summer gives us many days of beautiful blue skies and sunshine.  We have gorgeous flowers bloom in our front yard - the hydrangeas always wait until about mid-July, right in the thick of summer, and then they burst into glorious huge blooms of blues and purples and lavenders.  We take vacation time as a family and explore fun things to do in the local area, and get to spend those days just enjoying each others' company.  We take a break from many of the regular obligations and activities that stop during summertime and get to slow down and have a breather.  Plus, summer Olympics!

No matter the season, I usually find myself looking forward to its beginning with anticipation, thinking of all the things that I enjoy about that time of year.  Sometimes it feels like I'm rushing things along, but I think it's more that I want to enter into that time with a spirit of appreciation and thankfulness.

January Blog A Day: #25 el. oh. vee. ee.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very, very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore

And love is all that I can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don't break it

Love was made for me and you

Love was made for me and you

Yes, love was made for me and you

January Blog A Day: #24 Teachers

I have tremendous admiration for the teachers I've known, both in my own years as a student and in seeing my children's teachers now.  I admire the friends I have who are teachers, too.

Teaching is a tough job.  It's choosing to be responsible for the learning of a bunch of kids who (usually) aren't even your own.  Sometimes (often) they act like right pains in the rear end.  Teachers share in shaping their students' behavior and teaching them how to be kind and responsible human beings.  They serve as mediators in disputes and provide positive reinforcement to encourage children to keep doing well.  They are not only underpaid, but they are often underfunded, and they spend their own money on classroom supplies and decor to make the classroom environment more fun, visually pleasant and stimulating for young minds.

I wonder at times why anyone would choose to be a teacher.  But I had an experience last year while helping out during the math period that gave me a glimpse as to why someone would choose that path.  I was working with a 2nd-grade boy who was struggling to get through the 1st-grade math book that was his.  I'd worked with him before and could tell how tough math was for him.  We went through a sample problem together, then it just clicked for him that day, and he quickly went through the rest of the problems and completed them correctly.

I was so proud of him!  It felt really good to see the switch get flipped and the learning process happening for him, and I know that he felt proud of himself, too.  I think the best rewards of the job must be in those moments who you can actually see learning and growth happening and a child feeling good about him- or herself, because they did it, they accomplished something.  And I think the reward is especially great when you know that the child struggles.

My hat goes off to teachers (or it would if I was wearing one).  You do such an important job and you probably don't get told nearly enough how much you are appreciated and valued.

January Blog A Day: #23 Dessert

If you know me at all, you know that I love desserts.  And I love sweet desserts.  There is such a thing as "too sweet," if something is really on the sweet side without a balancing richness of dark chocolate or saltiness or something else to cut through pure sugar.  But I'll never be one to go for a savory "dessert."  I don't think dessert is meant to be a savory course.

Moreover, I love to make desserts.  I love eating the raw product (particularly cookie dough and brownie batter), I love eating the finished product, I love making desserts to give to or share with other people...it brings me joy.  I have a dream of one day starting my own baking shop/confectionery, or a home business where I can make goodies and help support my family at the same time.  I started out thinking about a cupcake business, but I love to make cakes, too, and cookies, and candies are something that I started to become more interested in recently.

For our Christmas Day meal with family, I made 3 different treats, and 2 of those were candies:

From top to bottom, they are White Chocolate Cranberry Bars, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles (YUM), and Pecan Pralines.  I made goodie tins for Rachel's teacher and Ben's teachers and therapists before Christmas break.  They also included the Cookie Dough Truffles and Pecan Pralines, along with Maple Rice Krispy Treats and Fudge.

Here are some more past goodies:

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes

An Elmo cake for my son's 3rd birthday - chocolate on chocolate for my little chocolate lover!

Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, done for my husband's grandmother's birthday

A baby shower cake done for my friend Rachel - also carrot cake with cream cheese frosting

For the cake walk at my daughter's school: triple chocolate pudding cake

with fudge frosting and crushed Oreos

For Thanksgiving: a Pumpkin Spice Cake with Chocolate Pecan Frosting

Hopefully one day I will find a way to turn this from a hobby I indulge in when I can to a career that I will really enjoy!

January Blog a Day: #22 Kids

I'm behind by a few posts on JanuaryBlogaDay, but planning to get caught up.  Sue me.

Kids.  Such a loaded topic in some way.  First, you should probably know (if you don't already) that I have two children.

Rachel is my 8-year-old daughter.  She is funny, very smart, empathetic, sensitive and loving.  She also has ADHD, OCD and some oppositional defiance, which means she can turn angry on a dime, lash out in physical aggression, wake up at night and stay awake for the rest of the night (I'm talking waking up at 11pm, or midnight, or 1am, and just not going back to sleep until the following evening) and fixate on something to an obsessive degree.  We had reached a point with her a few years ago where we were desperate and didn't know what to do.  She was so angry, and getting more and more aggressive physically, kicking, scratching, hitting, trying to bite us and in other ways acting out.  There was no reason that we could see for her to be acting that way, and we tried everything we could think of.  We were at our wits' end.

Then we ended up finding out about son's developmental delays and what that could mean, and I decided I was done slogging through on our own and trying to figure out how to "fix" Rachel and parent her appropriately.  We got connected with a neurobehavioral pediatrician who is a very wise man.  Through months of visits with him, talking about things and figuring out what was driving some of Rachel's behavior, modifying our own parenting behaviors (no more temper tantrums for us and finding a parenting method that would allow us to be more emotionally neutral, thus decelerating things instead of accelerating them) and, finally, a careful and cautious use of medication to help those parts of her brain chemistry that were not functioning as they should - not to mention lots and lots of prayer - we were able to get to a place that was infinitely better than where we had been.  Our neurobehavioral ped is a miracle worker.  He's really helped us to bring out the best in all of us and has been like a family therapist.  He'll work with us through the years as Rachel grows into adolescence, and that is a huge comfort and blessing.

She has come such a long way in the past 2 years and is so often a joy.  She still struggles sometimes, particularly when she is sleep-deprived and therefore quicker to have an outburst.  But she is doing well in school and is often helpful at home.  She adores her little brother and is such a great big sister to him!

Ben is my 4-year-old son.  He was a fussy baby at times and we now believe that he suffered from acid reflux that made it difficult for him to sleep unless he was partly upright.  In between the fussing, he had a smile that could just light up the room.  It was hard to find toys that interested him.  He had a habit as a toddler of spinning in circles for several minutes, then just walking off like it was no big thing.  When frustrated or angry, he would shake his head back and forth hard, or pull himself forward and then slam back against his highchair or car seat or where he happened to be.  We had some concerns about some of his repetitive behaviors, the fact that he didn't play functionally with his toys and his lack of verbal progress, but check-ins with his pediatrician led us to believe that he was progressing normally.

As he passed 2, we still weren't seeing much verbal progress, and we decided to listen to our gut feelings and get him evaluated.  At just over 2 1/2, we took him back to the pediatrician, who thought there was some verbal delay, and recommended we take him to Birth to Three Developmental Center for an evaluation.  It turned out that he had a global developmental delay in every area except gross motor skills.  Further evaluation by a developmental pediatrician led to a diagnosis of PDD-NOS, an autism spectrum disorder.  This was recently changed to a diagnosis of Autism by his neurologist, an evaluation that was done after a hospital stay in November for epileptic seizures.  That was the first (and so far, thank God, only) time he's ever had seizures, and it was terrifying - loss of consciousness, rigidity, vomiting, no responsiveness to us whatsoever.

Ben is in developmental preschool 4 days a week, including an afternoon session for children with autism that works on behavioral therapies.  His progress there has been slower than they and we would like, but I'm thankful that he's had the opportunity to go to the school and work with therapists and teachers and paraeducators who are so invested in helping him to learn.  He is pretty limited in his vocabulary, although he's made some progress in how much he understands and responds, and in following requests from us (when he feels like it).

We really don't know what Ben's future will look like.  He may start to pick up more words, then sentences, and be able to communicate with us verbally on a more typical level.  He may remain really delayed in that and/or other areas.  His school speech therapist said yesterday that she thinks picture cards will be key for him as a skill for the rest of his life, eventually moving on to using an iPad or similar type of device with a speech program.  I don't know if that will be the case or not.  Only time will tell.

When we decided to start a family, I never dreamed that parenting would be so full of challenges.  It's been hard, y'all.  I'm glad that I didn't know ahead of time how hard it would be, because I'm not sure I would have had the guts to go for it.

But I've learned that I'm much stronger than I thought.  I've grown a thicker skin and learned to be less concerned about what others think.  I've grown in patience and developed a better ability to (usually) control my temper and my own propensity toward angry outbursts.  I've learned how deep a mother's love for her children goes.  I've learned to celebrate the small things, and to be optimistic.  I've learned to take each day as its own and not try to figure out the next 5 or 10 or 20 years.  And I'm still learning:  to trust my own instincts more, to go after what my children need no matter what others tell me, to handle a lot more than I ever thought I could.

Do I regret having children?  Absolutely not.  Do I sometimes miss the days of freedom and being able to go out to dinner at 9 o'clock on a Friday without having to pay a babysitter or worry about how early I'll need to wake up the next day?  Sure.  That's normal.  I think we often miss what we no longer have.  That's why we should appreciate the great things about each stage in our lives while we're in that stage.  I remind myself on the hard days about the positives and try to cherish the special moments and burn them into my memory.  My memory sucks, so it will only help so much, but at least I'm making the effort ;)

So to sum it up, kids will change your life and transform you as a person.  And they're totally worth it.

January Blog A Day: #21 Make a Mood Board

I'll be honest: I didn't know what a mood board was until a few days ago.  If you are also among the uneducated, here's some education courtesy of Wikipedia:

"A mood board is a type of collage that may consist of images, text, and samples of objects in a composition of the choice of the mood board creator...Mood boards are often used by graphic designers to enable a person to illustrate visually the direction of style which they are pursuing. However, mood boards can also be used to visually explain a certain style of writing, or an imaginary setting for a storyline. In short, mood boards are not limited to visual subjects, but serve as a visual tool to quickly inform others of the overall 'feel' (or 'flow') that a designer is trying to achieve."

My mood board is a mishmash of things I like, places I'd like to see, crafts I've done or want to do, people who are important to me and other things of significance.  It's a bit crowded, but so is my life, so I figure it represents me well.

If you open the image in a new tab, then click on it, it will give you a bigger board to view.  (Just right-click on it, select "open image in new tab," then click on the image in the tab and you'll see a bigger board.)

January Blog A Day: #20 Beautiful

I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
Oh no
So don't you bring me down today
-- Christina Aguilera, Beautiful

You know, I appreciate the intention of this song, but I don't think it holds true for many people.  Being told that you are ugly *does* bring most people down.  It's hard to hear something like that and not believe it to be true.  Or to believe it to be true, but not be bothered by it.

Way back when I was in junior high school at a small private school, the boys in the class gave nicknames to all the girls in the class.  I only knew the initials of my nickname, which were H.G.  I badgered one of the boys, who was my friend, to tell me what that meant.  I should have left well enough alone, because I came to find out that it meant "Homely Girl."  Nice.

Granted, my haircut was not at all flattering as it was growing out from a shag that wasn't that cute to begin with.  But for boys that age to be so cruel was just really astounding.  That nickname made me feel insecure and ugly for years.  I didn't shake it off until I was in college, really, and was on a mission trip to Brazil with other students and a few advisors.  We had a discussion about how we are valued by God and about how the true name that we carry around for ourselves deep down inside should derive from His estimation of our worth, not our own or what we've been told by others.

That was the first time in years that I realized I'd been carrying around the nickname of Homely Girl since I was 11 or 12 years old.  There was an undercurrent of nasty oppression that was within me all that time, affecting how I felt and how I acted.  It was a true revelation.

I didn't shake it off overnight and start to sing "I Feel Pretty" whenever I passed a mirror, but I think that was the beginning of a lot of healing within me and of being able to see myself more accurately.  I do believe that true beauty is that which we have within, and that needs to our emphasis in our lives.  But most of us want to feel attractive on the outside, too, or at least not homely.

I think that if you are able to hold onto a strong self-image and not let the words of others bring you down, you are a lucky soul indeed.

January Blog A Day: #19 Superpowers

There are so many superpowers that would be cool to have:

• Flying
• Super-strength
• Speed
• Breathing underwater
• Communicating with animals
• Ability to withstand fire & smoke
• Invisibility
• Omnilinguilism (just learned this phrase) - the ability to understand and speak any language.  How great would that be when traveling, or just when encountering people who speak a different language than you do?

I think, however, that if I could pick one, and only one, then it would be the ability to manipulate time.  That may not sound very exciting at first, but I would love to be able to give myself more hours in the day when I can get things and be productive.  I could get a part-time job to help with expenses, then leave work and use my time all over again for errands, house cleaning, exercising and having lunch.  THEN I could use my time AGAIN to sit and read for a while, or do some scrapbooking, or bake goodies.  Or to putting work into starting a baking business.  Not to mention being able to give myself several additional hours of sleep every night.

I feel like time manipulation would be key to increasing things in other areas of my life (sleep -----> good health, finances, leisure time, more time with James), not to mention just plain handy.

January Blog A Day: #18 Advice

As a rule, I don't give unsolicited advice.  I've known too many people who think that their input is invaluable whatever the situation and really should be heard, and I do not want to be one of those people.  If someone asks me for advice, I will think about it and, if needed, pray about it, and then respond.  If it's a sticky situation, I will sometimes write a draft and think about it for a bit before I actually respond so that I can make sure I'm striking the right tone.

If someone I know is going through a situation that I have also experienced and seems to be looking for input, I will give it.  Sometimes I just offer support and wait to be asked, if they decide they would like to bounce ideas off of me or ask questions.  If I have a suggestion for something that has worked really well for me, like a technique I've used with my kids or an item I found helpful as a mom or cook or some other area of functioning, then I will often throw it out there in case they are interested.

I do try to be careful about overstepping, though, and giving advice where I'm not sure it's wanted.

Would that more people did the same.

January Blog A Day: #17 Things That Rhyme

Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*. 
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*. 
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*. 
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*. 
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme. 
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time. 
Vizzini: Enough of that. 
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead? 
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead. 
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it. 
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?

**********

“The more that you read, the more things you will know.
The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”
- Dr. Seuss, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

January Blog A Day: #16 I Would Do Anything for Love...But I Won't Do That

Yes, that is the topic of the day for the January Blog A Day challenge.  At first, all I could think of was, of course, the song by Meat Loaf (aka Michael Lee Aday, aka Marvin Lee Aday).  Does he go by Mr. Loaf when he's addressed formally, or Mr. Aday?  Do people who know him really well just call him Meat?

But I digress.  Now I'm thinking about the things that I wouldn't do for anyone, no matter how much I love them.

• Bungee jump - My one exception to this rule is that, if James and I were running The Amazing Race, and he was somehow incapacitated and the only way we could stay in the Race was if I were to bungee jump, then there's probably an 80% chance that I would do it rather than forfeit the task and cause a situation where we'd probably get out.
• Eat a bunch of cilantro - I hate hate HATE cilantro.  I know a number of people who love it and think it is tasty and fresh.  I think the stench and flavor of it ruins anything it touches.  It is my culinary nemesis, the bane of my palate's existence.  I might as well eat a bar of Dove soap, because it tastes as good.  And no, I wouldn't eat a bar of soap for love, either.
• Watch Family Guy - I've watched and appreciated The Simpsons and Futurama, and King of the Hill, too.  I've never seen the appeal of Family Guy.  I saw an episode of Bones recently where the homicidal baby Stewie made a few appearances, and I cursed the name of the person who came up with that concept and forced Stewie upon us.
• Run a marathon - Not gonna happen.  Have you seen that e-card that is going around that says "If you ever see me running, you'd better start running, too"?  That could have been written by me.  I don't run.  I've always hated it.  I do, however, admire people who run long distances because I know that takes some dedication, training and persistence when your body wants to give up.
• Pick up a spider without something in between my hand and the spider - I actually feel guilty when I kill a spider outright, unless it's one of those hairy crunchy-looking really scary ones that look like they deserve it.  Otherwise, my preference is to relocate them, but trying to pick one up barehanded just freaks me out.
• Stop eating cookie dough - Do I really need to say more about this one?

January Blog A Day: #15 Transportation

My first car was a red Dodge Neon with a turbo engine and a powder blue pinstripe.  Yes, powder blue.  I do not know what possessed the previous owner to get said pinstripe, but other than that, I really liked the car.  Unfortunately, the turbo engine started falling apart during my time of owning it, and as a college student I sunk several grand into repairs while going to school full time and working part time.  So that worked out well.  I really wish I had had someone sharing financial wisdom with me when I made that first purchase.  Something like "No, don't spend $8K+ on that car, which is going to turn out to be a very expensive lemon.  Spend $2-3K on an older Honda or Toyota that is going to last forever and rarely need major repairs."

Sorry, couldn't find one with a snazzy powder blue pinstripe.

I made a much better choice with my next vehicle, a red Geo Storm, except for the fact that it didn't have any air conditioning.  Somehow I bought it without knowing this.  It was 1992, I just figured that all new cars had air conditioning, because why wouldn't they?  You may wonder how I bought it without knowing that it didn't have a/c.  Here's the gist of it: it was early spring in San Diego, and it had controls for the fan that made it feel a lot like a/c at that time of year.  I missed asking that question, and they never brought it up - which, to me, it certainly seems like they should have.  That's a fairly big thing to have missing from a new car.  But still, that was a great car: really reliable, fun to drive, great mileage and I liked how it looked, too.  It fit me well.

See, isn't that a snazzy little car?

Until I moved to eastern Oregon, a very rural part of the state with cold winters, very hot summers and dirt roads in some areas.  I knew my little Geo Storm wasn't going to cut it, so sadly, I traded it in and instead bought a big white extended-cab pickup truck, a Ford F150.  I liked being up higher and it was good to have the room to carry both passengers and cargo.  But it had this weird "unnnnnhhhhh" kind of noise that would happen intermittently when the air conditioning was going.  It made me nervous the whole time I owned it that something major was about to break down.

The Behemoth.  It was big.

I lasted less than a year in eastern Oregon before moving over to Salem, and since I didn't need the truck any more and didn't want to keep driving it if I could help it, I found a great deal on a white Hyundai Elantra, and I could not ditch that truck any faster.  I loved my Elantra.  It felt roomy inside for a smallish sedan, it had a HUGE trunk, the engine felt like it had good zip, it rarely needed repairs and it never sounded like "unnnnnnhhhhh."  The only downside of the car was that it had manual door locks and windows.  Other than that, I loved it.

Another snappy car

I had the Elantra for about 6 years and probably would have kept it longer, but we were sitting in it one day while I was a few months' pregnant with Rachel and our giant dog (we had a Great Dane/Golden Retriever mix for a few years) was in the back seat, and I realized there was nowhere for a baby if we had to take the dog to the vet or anywhere else.  It became clear that the car wasn't going to accommodate our growing family and our dog, plus we thought that having power doors and windows would be nice to have with a baby in the picture.  Mostly it was that we were outgrowing the car, though.

This was the other car that I was sad to see go.  But I'd had my eye on the Hyundai Santa Fe for my next vehicle, whenever that was going to happen, so I was excited to be getting that as a replacement.  We bought one in a metallic root beer-kind of color.  It had power everything, pretty much, a moon roof (which I hadn't had in a while), a 6-CD changer (I know, but this was in 2004 before everybody had MP3 players or in-car systems) and some other bells and whistles that were nice to have.  We bought it via a website program that saved us several thousand dollars, too, which was a great bonus.  The only problem was that we had to drive down to Long Beach to pick it up after it arrived on the freighter that was shipping it, and when we got there, we discovered a couple of shallow but long scratches on the door.  Instead of leaving it there and letting them fix the paint job before we drove away, we took it home first.  It took several weeks and 2 trips to drop it off because the guy who was supposed to take care of it flaked on being there the first time.  We got a tiny rental car to use as a replacement when we did drop it off, but we learned our lesson about taking a car off the lot if isn't already in the condition promised.

Not my actual vehicle, but looks just like it

This has been a great vehicle for us.  I wish the backseat was just a little roomier, since only a tiny person fits in the center back seat with Rachel's booster and Ben's carseat back there.  But it's been a great vehicle, good mileage, comfortable, lots of conveniences and few big repairs.  The warranty was great, and thankfully we haven't had too much major to take of post-warranty.  I've had the Santa Fe for almost 9 years now, and I'm hoping to get at least 2 or 3 more years out of it before we replace it.  This is another one that I will be sad to see go.

And that wraps up my history in personal transportation.

January Blog A Day: #14 Food

I do not think it will come as a surprise to anyone who knows me that I really enjoy food.  I like cooking it, eating it, receiving it as a Christmas gift (like the box of meat that my brother Joe and sister-in-law Katie sent our family for Christmas - with lots of bacon included!), and watching shows about it.

Food Network is probably my favorite channel.  My favorite types of food shows are the ones that involve competition, like Top Chef, Iron Chef America, Master Chef, Food Network Star and Cupcake Wars.  I love the ones where people compete to compete, too, like The Next Iron Chef.  Just something about the creativity and talent combined with the pressure of competition that I enjoy.

I like cooking.  I've already talked about that, so I won't go on about it.  I like cookbooks and Food Network magazine.  I'm determined this year to be more deliberate about choosing recipes from my books and magazines and trying them out and adding to my repertoire of favorites.

Most of all, I love eating it.  Weight was never a battle for me when I was younger.  I'd say I was in my late 20s before it started to become slightly problematic.  Then over the years, a few pounds were added on each year until I ended up overweight and struggling to not be overweight.  I actually had a lot of success with weight loss when pregnant with both of my children because I had gestational diabetes, which required a strict diet that left me 20 pounds lighter after delivery than I was when I got pregnant.  But I didn't build on that success either time, and put the weight back on.

In 2011, I dropped 27 pounds.  Then the holidays came and I thought "Eh, I'll just take it easy and enjoy the holidays, then get back on track afterward."  And before I knew it, I'd gained back 13 pounds and found it really hard to once again be self-disciplined.

I basically coasted through 2012, but I now have a renewed drive to lose my extra weight and, this time, keep it off.  I just don't want to be flabby anymore.  I'm not happy being the size I am, and that should be motivation enough for me to make it stick this time.

One of my biggest struggles is that I am an emotional eater.  When I am upset, or stressed, or have had a hard day with the kids, I want to console myself with food.  I need to find a healthier way to deal with those kinds of situations than putting food into my mouth.  Exercise helps, but doesn't take away the urge to eat when I want to feel better.  I've never been a big shopper, and we're on a pretty strict budget, anyway, so that won't do it.

I think I just need to not have stress any more.  And my kids should just behave themselves.

Yeah, that'll work.

January Blog A Day: #13 Top 10 (Deaths on The Vampire Diaries)

Top 10.  I'm a fan of lists, but I don't make a lot of top 10 lists myself.  I pondered for a few minutes and thought "Hey, why not make a list of the top 10 deaths on 'The Vampire Diaries'?" These are the ones that I thought had the most impact or were the most shocking or tragic, and here's why, in no particular order:

Andie - Damon's newscaster girlfriend; this was one of the most personal killings we saw take place after Stefan was turned to the dark side by Klaus.  It seemed more brutal that he compelled Andie to jump to her own death, and in front of Damon, rather than just kill her himself.
Anna - She may have been a vampire, but what she and Jeremy had together was sweet, and it was so sad when she and her mother were rounded up and killed by town vigilantes.  I loved her reunion with her mother - one of the most touching moments this series has had, I think.
Aunt Jenna - Are you KIDDING me?  Aunt Jenna finally gets clued in, then gets super-interesting as a vampire herself, ready to fiercely protect her niece, only to killed within 2 episodes?!!  That was so disappointing.  I would have liked to have seen that side of Jenna for a little longer.
Elena - I knew that Elena became a vampire at some point in the books, but I just did not expect that to happen.  I also didn't realize that Elena had consumed vampire blood to her head injury, so I thought they had really killed her off.  I could not believe they would actually do that and couldn't figure out how they would write themselves out of it, but they quickly answered that dilemma with Dr. Fell's report to Damon.  Then the episode closed with her eyes opening.  But the whole sequence with her going off the bridge, struggling to get out of the truck along with Matt, then insisting that Stefan get Matt out of the truck first, all interspersed with scenes from the accident she was in with her parents and the horror of her dad realizing that they weren't going to make it out...wow.  That just about took my own breath away. It was a beautifully done sequence.
Uncle John - I hated Uncle John for so long.  Then he was Papa John, and I still hated him, because we didn't have a lot of reasons to like him.  But then he had to go and sacrifice his own life so that his daughter Elena could survive the doppelganger curse, and I was sad.  Darn him!
Lexi - She was such a good friend to Stefan, had rehabilitated him and talked him off of various ledges over the decades.  She stood up to Damon without fear.  And Damon wasn't even in evil mode when he killed her - she was the sacrificial lamb so that Damon could look legit to the Town Council and throw the suspicion off of himself when the Council suspected a vampire was in town.  That just stunk.
Alaric - He certainly had quite the death arc!  First there was the living wake at his tomb, and everyone saying goodbye and barely holding it together, especially Damon, whose heart had grown by 4 sizes by that point in the series.  Then he is brought back from the brink to wreak all kinds of havoc.  I really didn't like evil Alaric.  I'm sure the actor had fun in that part, but I was glad when he got taken out, which happened with Elena's death.  What an episode that was!  Then he came back as a ghost to say goodbye to Jeremy, and later had that scene at the tomb where he was listening to Damon, who didn't know he was there.
Rose - One of the first times we saw a really vulnerable and sensitive side to Damon.  When the end was drawing near and the pain was getting to be too much, Damon drew her into a beautiful memory, then staked her to end the suffering she'd been enduring after receiving a bite from a werewolf.
Grams - Grams helped Bonnie to free Stefan and Damon after they had been trapped, but it was at the expense of her life, and it just wrecked Bonnie.  She was such a sweet, strong presence in Bonnie's life, and Bonnie was at a loss without her.
Caroline - She was a core member of the group, and her death (and transition to a vampire) happened back when I didn't know how much of a roller coaster ride this show would truly turn out to be.  Watching her learn how to handle being a vampire, and becoming a kinder and more empathetic person and character, was really interesting.

And there you have it.  With TVD's track record, I'm sure there will be more deaths this season that catapult into my top 10 and push out some of the above, but these are the ones that stand out to me the most right now.