January Blog A Day: #6 Embarrassment

I feel like I don't get embarrassed all that often.  I think I do whatever I can to avoid embarrassment, preferring not to put myself out there into situations that would risk it.  But I also think that I've just become someone who is less prone to getting embarrassed over minor things that would have caused me great consternation when I was a teenager and college student.

It's embarrassing when I'm singing on the worship team at church, and I don't know the song all that well, and the slides with the lyrics aren't keeping pace, so then I'm just standing there holding a microphone, looking like a dope.  But that's a very small thing and over with quickly.

I used to get embarrassed when my children would act up in public.  I was mortified the time that Rachel was 4 years old and ran off from me at the mall, then had a screaming, flailing tantrum when I caught her and sat down to try to reign her in.  I got her calmed down and told her it was time to go, and she seemed so on board with that.  But then we started to walk toward the car again, and off she went.  That episode ended up with me carrying her horizontally, facing away from me, so as to minimize physical damage to myself, as we went through the food court towards the exit and she screamed "You're hurting me!" repeatedly.  Thank heavens my mom was with me and was able to stay with baby Ben in his stroller, or I don't know what I would have done.  I could not imagine what people were thinking and did not dare to make eye contact with anyone.

I think having children with special needs makes you learn to shrug off a lot of things, including the judgment of others.  Sometimes I still feel self-conscious when a public meltdown is happening.  That's a rarity with Rachel these days (she saves those for home, generally), but Ben still acts on impulse and frustration with great regularity.  I don't really worry about what people think anymore, and sometimes I'll make eye contact if I can tell that someone is watching.  If they're curious, that's fine.  If they're empathetic, awesome.  If they're judgy, they can take their judgments and cram them.

I've learned much about not judging other people's parenting, and I'm learning not to judge other aspects of people, too.  It can be so hard to get rid of preconceived notions and things that we've been taught, but I'm doing my best.

The other thing that came to mind with the subject of Embarrassment is childbirth.  When I was pregnant, I was dreading being in the delivery room and all the exposure that entails, everyone there being able to see my whole name and address (as my mom used to say).  But I tell you, there's something about being in labor, not to mention getting to the end of those nine months and just being ready for it to be DONE ALREADY, that causes most women to lose all sense of modesty in that room.  They could have brought in a marching band, and I doubt I would have done more than mildly object to the noise.

So, yeah.  Parenting definitely has been a refining fire that has burned away the embarrassment in me!